My Jihad (“Jihad” = Arabic for struggle, detective)

My appeal was rejected, here’s what I was sent:

I’ll give credit to them for addressing all of the arguments I made, however they did not actually respond to my points sufficiently, everything was handwaved away with “my opinion trumps yours”. It is what it, I can’t get back into university now, that’s happened and I need to deal with it. I fucked up my life, my employment prospects are non-existent, this is my life now and there’s no possibility of it changing now.

It sucks, it really fucking sucks, I hate this situation, I hate all the people who did this to me and most of all I hate that I’m powerless to do anything about it. My only option seems to be to kill myself, that’ll end the pain, there’s no point in living if I’m not happy or serving a purpose but I’m conflicted, I don’t want to just kill myself, it torments me that a dozen or so people have abused me and they have gotten away with it, the only ones who know of the crimes they’ve committed are themselves and the few thousands of people who have read my blog. At this point all I want are two thing, 1) for my pain to end and 2) either the nation to know my story and/or for justice to be served.

I suppose if I want a shot at 2) my only realistic recourse would be to do something that makes the news, something like a very attention grabbing stunt at the uni, shit like Fathers for Justice used to do  or those nudist feminists, some kind of protest.

Might take up the NHS on that mental health referral.

Thought today was going to be a good day, caught a Mareanie, one of the rarer Pokemon in the new game, it’s a female too so I could breed it without a ditto and do a giveaway.

My dad saw me without my shirt on, we had a conversation, he stared at my chest for a bit, he probably thinks my physical appearance is strange but he can’t make the leap to “tranny pills” so easily.

JSA payment not come through, they didn’t receive the last letter I sent in response to their demands for proof of my savings.



My siblings wanted to take a family photo today for my mothers upcoming birthday, the novelty is that we would replicate poses from another photo sitting on the mantle. I couldn’t muster the confidence to wear my green female hoodie, it wasn’t masculine enough and would invite questions.

I played some more Pokemon Moon today, it’s frustrating how I must keep removing pokemon from my party after discovering their evolutions are even more hideous or unimpressive than their previous form. Despite only a few new additions, I am struggling to find even one new design I like.

Watched UFC 205, entertaining show, I’m not overly into Connor MacGreggor but he’s certainly much more talented, well spoken and fights in a more eye pleasing way than the rest of the roster.

It will take a 2 weeks before I see the effects of my most recent laser session but I’m already getting anxiety over it having not worked.

My solicitor is trying to convince me that everything with the pigs was above board, I don’t believe him.

Fuck da police #2

Yesterday I received an email from my solicitor notifying me he had received a letter from the procurator fiscal informing him that my bail only now expired and that charges won’t be pursued against me. The timing is suspicious, this week was also when I pressed the police about the release of my seized possessions (The police then had to email “someone else” to get confirmation that the items could be released”). Clearly what has happened is that there was never any intention to prosecute me or to conduct an investigation, it was just something done in the moment to appease the Poles and the other complainers and so after a year they had forgotten about my very existence and to officially end my bail. Such a fucking joke, they have no idea the impact this has had on my life, I was quite literally driven out of a city, I lost a year of my life over this, it’s not fair, they can’t possibly get away with this, I want to speak to solicitors but I can’t get any information quick enough, I’d have to arrange a meeting and pay for their time. I sent an email to the duty aid group who I was with, just to complain, might get something back confirming that I was screwed over.

My dad has been quite nice recently, too nice, he doesn’t ask me for anything, afraid I’ll flip out again, he even strained himself and was able to read enough words on a letter he received, it was regarding a medical exam related to his insurance claim.

Most importantly though today was the day of my first laser appointment and this new/proper place. Train was delayed so I had to run a little to make it on time, got there 3 minutes past 9 which was 3 minutes late but it didn’t seem to matter at all as I still had to wait before being seen. It was raining which I normally would have enjoyed but when I have an appointment to keep, it just makes me look a bit distressed once I’ve arrived. The technician was a nice young woman, seemed a little inexperience, I didn’t care for her technique when it came to hitting my upper lip but we’ll see the results soon, perhaps the quality of the laser will make up for it. It lasted around 15 minutes which is appropriate though that time was also taken up by drawing on my face and applying some creams, less painful than usual, might be an indication that the setting need to be changed. The technician tried to make small talk often but I couldn’t say anything at worst and anything of substance at best. One nice thing she said to me when advising on how to persevere through the pain was to imagine how I’ll look after we were done.

Bit of an embarrassing issue, I opened a new bank account a while ago, a savings account but only today realised the card for that account was damaged, I had to use my other account/card to pay for the session, however it did not have enough funds to purchase a course of treatments, I had to pay for a one-off session this time, won’t be an issue I’m still there by June. I was aware this could be a problem but did not make the necessary adjustments so I only have myself to blame.

Cis-women in the city triggered me.

Could have eaten better today, it’s not so much the calories that are the problem but the things I eat, I need to cut out the junk food, I had resisted for months, I’ll find that frame of mind again.

My youngest sisters hate me, we had arguments again today, it doesn’t seem to be worth building bridges.

Played more Pokemon Moon.

A cousin of mine has bought a shitty little house, in a shitty area where everything needs fixing in this shitty town. She works at Pizza Hut so you can guess how cheap the place was. I tried explaining to her sister that renting was superior to buying, especially where we live but she wouldn’t understand despite a long argument. Pretty social of me since I was able to argue with her about a lot, immigration, pakis, mentioned I went to my white doctor, got a lot off my chest.

I snapped at my mother a lot today, it’s getting to the point where it might no longer be seen as banter and as abuse.

Laser tomorrow

My appointment at the laser clinic tomorrow is at 9am, earlies are always agonising but I am just so excited right now, this is a proper place and the patch test went well so I’m expecting a significant reduction.

I ate exceptionally poorly today but DNP is getting closer to arriving so the chance to reverse the damage isn’t too far away. Scales showed 143lbs and 148lbs, not sure what to believe.

Played some more Pokemon, the new designs are all uninspired. Did a bit of Hearthstone, not really into it anymore.

pls grow

I have anxiety over my hair growth again, it is slightly longer than it was the last time I freaked out, currently my hair is covering the tops of my ears by about an inch, maybe less but at this rate it will take around six months to cover my ears, it really stagnated after a point.

Weighed 145lbs this morning, somehow, diet started off well today until I ate half a lasagne in the evening. I feel a bit of fat has gone to my face/cheeks so that has me a little upbeat.

Played Pokemon Moon some more, my character is female, I wasn’t sure what name to select though so I went for my own. I thought I did know which name I wanted but I was wrong, it conjures up negative emotions. The game itself is still not exciting me at this point.

Brother saw me with a pack of pills, doesn’t matter too much, he doesn’t know what they were.

I watched The Apprentice, probably my favourite show on television, not that I watch anything else other than MOTD.

Went to ASDA to buy some more Icelandic yogurt, I went around the park because it’s dark and scary, nothing to do with the rapist. On the way there I fantasised about meeting old school friends on the train at a point in the future where I was comfortable presenting as female even though I wouldn’t pass.

Still rebounding

I hit 147lbs, something has to change, today I was able to stick to my diet, porridge, a carrot, a serving of Icelandic yogurt. The carrot was disgusting but it took me over an hour to finish and killed my appetite for more food. The DNP will arrive this week or early next based on what my supplier has told me, I’d like to be able to get to at least 145 before then. Pokemon Moon was leaked and I downloaded it, if I can get into the same mentality I was in back around the time of Pokemon X/Y at the very least then this game should completely keep me away from snacking and binge eating.

My driving instructor conducted a mock test, I made several serious mistakes that would have led to me failing the exam, I need to increase my concentration and memorise the manoeuvres. The mistakes I make are not checking my mirrors, not going fast enough and a few other one off errors.

The police responded to my emails, I’ll soon be sent information on how I can collect the items that were seized by the police when I was arrested last September. It was just a tablet and a phone if I remember correctly.

I have a lot of stuff booked for the Monday after next, it was unavoidable due to starting work soon. Dentist appointment, signing on and a driving lesson are all on the same day I start my job.

Trump winning was shocking but I suppose it doesn’t affect me too much so I shouldn’t care.

A little clip of a trans teen on the BBC triggered me.

Duta arrived, I have become more comfortable with my hair so its not a bid deal however I know that it’s likely at some point in the future I would become anxious again so it is certainly for the best that I made the change.

Read some comics. Played some Hearthstone.

Two weeks to make your move

The quality of my diet is still hard to pindown but the scales don’t lie, still 146lbs. Coco Shreddies in the morning, Icelandic yogurt a few hours later and then it went downhill, had a slice of cheese pizza and three bowls of chicken and rice. I’m going to have to get on 500mg DNP the moment it comes through the door.

I went to ASDA, it was dark and raining lightly, perfect, bought carrots and kale, heard they’re good for your skin. I wanted pumpkin seeds too but couldn’t find any, I’ll just have to make do with those I can get from the whole pumpkin we have leftover from Halloween. At the entrance of the ASDA store, army men were selling poppies, I saw a paki talking to them and holding one up, I got the impression he was debating them. I would have liked to have purchased a poppy but I was too shy. Later in the day I had a small row with my sister for not wearing one to work. Being around her when she has returned from her place of employment really does make me feel depressed, I just imagine how she must feel knowing I exist and am sitting not far from her.

My day was spent watching shows during the early part, my mind however quickly turned to mush, I wanted to be able to do something more interactive, I failed to find something sufficient. The shows watched were, Siblings (not good but I like the style of the main actress), WWE Raw (boring as usual), Luke Cage (meh) and I rewatched some Community, loved it but after the last few years of my life, it’s just depressing now.

I still can’t find my feet this season of Hearthstone. Losing more than I’m winning. Last night though I spoke to a guy through the chat, he seems to care about my wellbeing, /r9k/ poster, lurks more than posts, doesn’t really know too much about me but we might have a meetup.

Washed my hair and shaved my face. Excited for laser on Saturday.

The university said it would reply to me by the 22nd of November, so exactly two weeks.