Social anxiety and failure DISCLAIMER – This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental
I was excited to get back to work on the 27th of December, I’d get to see my work friends, banter with them and have a generally good time. My dreams were dashed slowly, I first learned that two people on my shift had booked holidays and the sarcastic guy called in sick, I texted him and he said he was in “rough shape”.
So it was just me, alone, all night, just like when I’m at home. There was a lot of work to do, the usual admin stuff which took priority, managing all the live channels of communication, the emails didn’t get touched though. I was perhaps a little resentful of the sarcastic guy for abandoning me to spend more time with his family, our manager felt he was lying, he messaged me directly at 3am and responded with “hmm” when I told him.
I could watch anything on the TV but chose to just leave it with the volume off as it just wasn’t enjoyable on my own, I also had a lot to do, things sure changed from last week when quite literally all the work was done.
On my way home I stopped at ASDA to buy 6 tubs of hummus and pita bread. I ate one tub at home. I know I’m eating too much, I’ve really been down recently. I didn’t sleep well, though strangely I woke up at 2pm, I was energised but then after waking up again, after 6pm, I struggled to get out of bed.
The following night shift was a happier time, my manager and the new guy were in. There were laughs and there was energy. I was initially quite angry at the new guy for stealing my desk despite specifically telling him which one was mine the previous time we met. I sat some distance away at a desk I knew was unused. He asked why I was sitting so far away, I pointed out that other desks belonged to certain people, I didn’t mention my grievance though.
He also irked me by telling people on webchat to call in, I then dealt with those people over the phone, in addition to this, I took webchats for him. I did pester him about this but in a jokey way. We got on and as previously mentioned, had a good time. I really wish he hadn’t stolen my desk though, I’m going to be the bigger person and just sit further away at an unoccupied desk. We had a 1-to-1 again at the end of my shift. A short one, he just wanted to know how I got on yesterday and accused the big guy of lying when he called in sick today. The sarcastic guy was also sick for a second day running.
My sleeping pattern is a shambles, on Christmas day, I went to sleep at around 11am and woke up at 10pm. The only disturbance was my brother letting me know Christmas dinner was ready downstairs, I let him know I was sleeping.
When I did get up, I heard the rest of the family enjoying themselves in the living room. I felt miserable, not necessarily my families fault, I just wasn’t happy to be alone and miserable on such an important day of the year. My 6’2 friend wished me a Merry Christmas and when I complained on /britfeel/, one of my friends from the London region did the same, he apologised too but felt the need to mention his gf.
One other event that occurred while I was trying to sleep was my father returning my TV, it was almost like a Christmas present.
When I woke up, I spent my time playing Dragon Quest and watching a couple of films on Netflix, Fighting with my Family was enjoyable but WWE propaganda, afterwards I watched “The Death of Stalin”, it was OK and I learned something about history.
The following day was worse, I woke up at 11pm despite trying to wake up sooner. As soon as I went downstairs, I encountered my father, I asked what he wanted, he said nothing and was offended that I would accuse him, he then told me what he wanted. He wanted me to setup his universal remote control for his old TV. We argued a fair bit, I’d just gotten up and hadn’t even had a chance to eat my breakfast, he followed me into my bedroom, I smashed my headphone but was able to fix them though they do rattle now. He became frustrated too and hit his head, then scrunched up the bag my secret Santa gifts were received in. I kept asking him to leave my room but he wouldn’t.
I did eventually set up his TV for him, I don’t know why he couldn’t have asked any of my sisters who were still awake at this time. The oldest of them was using the first floor bathroom, I started shouting at her, pointing out her hypocrisy in banning everyone else from using the top floor one but she could use both. She then accused me of having a djinn trapped in me. Prior to my father leaving my room, he also went on his usual rant about my hair and other people my age, marriage is still a priority for him. It’s seen as an accomplishment to be married by 22. He chilled out again when I did what he wanted.
I’m now looking at flats again, I’ve emailed several estate agents to arrange viewings. I’m looking at several different towns but rent in Manchester seems reasonable, I’m happy to spend upto £500 on rent, council tax should be another £100. No price is too high for independence, it’s just tough to arrange this, I can’t just throw money to get what I want, I need to talk to people and go outside.
I went to sleep at 9am, right after returning home from work on Monday, I didn’t wake up until around 1am on Tuesday. I watched some YouTube videos, went out to catch some special Christmas Eve Pokemon on Pokemon GO and then settled down with Dragon Quest for a few more hours.
At around 6am, I went to ASDA for some snacks, I bought some Chilli Cheese dip along with Guacamole but they didn’t go well with my Doritos. The hummus was delicious though.
Back at home, I was bored, I looked for TVs again but couldn’t commit to spending £500 or so on a decent model. I decided to go down to spend some time with my family downstairs but before that I needed a shower and some clean clothes, so went to pick up my clothes off the radio. My mother confronted me and said that she thought I was depressed, she also asked for the millionth time why I didn’t spend time in the living room with the family. I reminded her that we don’t get on and that I’m not spending all my time in my room, alone, as she accused me of doing, I told her that I just wasn’t spending my time with her.
The whole experience also made me change my mind about going into town to buy Christmas presents for my family.
I went to sleep again at around 2pm, I woke up again at 1am on Christmas day. As before, I’m just looking forward to going back to work again.
A story I forgot to mention in my last entry, goes as follow. As I was logging into the big TV at work, my manager initially refused to look away and even when he did, the password was clearly reflected in the windows so I had to change my password afterwards.
It’s extremely disappointing to me that this is the first time in 3 days that I’ve felt I’ve had the time to update my blog. Due to the lag, significant and meaningful interactions are forgotten.
My Friday night shift saw me, the sarcastic guy, the big guy and my manager working together. We had a fair amount to get through but the night was a riot due to how many of us there were, on the big TV we put more Black Mirror on in the background. We chatted about various topics, the highlights were me insisting that looking at child pornography is not the absolute worst thing a person can do (actually abusing them is worse), this was in response to the reaction of others to a particular episode. My manager joked that I definitely had a criminal record. Though he’s repeated the joke several times.
Another highlight was me picking a nickname for a co-worker, the big guy is “Big Sexy”, it’s derived from his name and size, this was offensive of me. The hours really did fly by, while the manager was away, people joked that I was his favourite and they could see how we got along so well. He gave me a button on the system that allows me to free refund orders, he said it’s because he trusts me, he hasn’t given it to the sarcastic guy though.
The Saturday night shift was quieter in terms of workload, we actually managed to clear all the emails by around 2pm and then focused on admin stuff. The sarcastic guy booked a half day holiday so that just left me and my manager, it was a pleasant time, we chatted a fair amount. Mostly just the usual, him making jokes about me.
The Sunday night shift was most chilled out of all, the emails were cleared even more quickly and we spent most of the night with nothing to do apart from watch Netflix. A new guy started, he’s originally from Kenya but you can’t tell from how he speaks. We chatted a fair amount and got on well, there’s still plenty more to learn. The team just consisted of me, the new guy and our manager. The new guy out some modern rap type music on, I hated it but it would have been rude to say, we the watched Kevin Hart and Kat Williams on Netflix, lastly we watched “The Irishman”.
The day didn’t end well though because my manager called me in for a “personal review”, he wanted to know how I was getting on outside of work, I didn’t have much to say and he thought I was lying, so I grasped for things to say, for example I had no major frustrations in my life, so I said that my “nose” was getting me down and that I was looking into plastic surgery, he said my nose was fine. We discussed career progression and if I look forward to work, I said that I did because it was lively and there was stuff to do. My manager tried to get the new to guess which country I was originally from.
The truth here would have been something along the lines of my life outside work is lonely and that I’ve been in some very miserable places, I massively appreciate being able to work here.
My night shift colleagues are as follows:
My manager – Born in Britain, lived and worked in the US. Has a mysterious Mexican partner and will move back to the US when Trump is ousted. Very mean to me but I find it amusing, he calls me retarded and is amused by how annoyed I get at things he says.
Sarcastic guy – From my training group, has a wife, two kids and we have bonded over WWE wrestling, he hasn’t watched in years but remembers a lot from the attitude era, will often put it on on the TV while we work. More for my sake than anything.
Big guy – Born in Manchester of Jamaican background, he can be quite funny and zany but also low energy at times. I’m still getting to know him and enjoying the process.
Female Harry Potter fan – She’s been off sick for a while but she seems cool, likes video games.
Female Taxidermist – Into aliens, likes film, only have one shift a week with her so haven’t learned too much just yet.
New guy – Originally from Kenya, been to Mecca for pilgrimage twice but still seems like a very normal and we’ll adjusted guy
I went to sleep extremely tired as I struggled to keep my eyes open during parts of the Star Wars trilogy last night, the walk back home was unusual as the streets were deathly empty and quiet.
My review of the film is a negative one, while I wasn’t offended by the previous films in the trilogy, this one seriously irked me. I disliked that a major characters return was revealed in the opening crawl instead of the film itself. The first hour of the major characters galavanting was fun. The long expected “redemption” of Kylo Ren was meaningless to me as everyone knew it was coming after the first film, I also did not enjoy any part of the climax, there was no one on one light sabre battle and the way the final villain was defeated is a bit of a head scratcher. I do not recommend paying to see this film.
I woke up with sufficient energy for me night shift, we had plenty of laughs as usual, today we also watched some Netflix on the big TV by our desks, a Christiano Ronaldo documentary and episodes of Black Mirror were on the menu. Also, the documentary “Game Changers”.
I received my secret Santa gift, they included biscuits, a bad of Toblerone bits and 4 cans of Coke Zero. I initially slated the gift when I saw the biscuits but then the sarcastic guy told me that the woman on our team gifted it me. I immediately changes my tune, it was odd that the biscuits had the same name as the woman, she disputes responsibility though, I think she was lying, I feel terrible, it was a good gift and I was upset over recieving biscuits instead of more Toblerone.
Later in the night we discussed our favourite films, we don’t have a huge amount in common but the conversation lasted half an hour.
It turns out my manager is 21, I’m surprised due to his height. Quite annoying that certain people appear to receive more opportunities. People jokes about me being his favourite and us getting along.
My head is still sore from when I banged it with my phone, the area hurts to touch.
Before I went to sleep last night, my father wanted me to find him a new SIM deal, I tried to refuse and got annoyed at him, he was in my room for over 30 minutes, then he bothered my sister and then me again. It became too much, when my sister found a deal he wanted, he asked me to confirm the number of gigabytes of data, I smashed my head 5 times with my mobile phone to confirm that I understood. He was amused and still wanted me to sort out the deal for him. As he was leaving, I banged my phone against my bedroom door, this was one step too far for him and he finally insisted on leaving me alone.
The following day, my father was in the kitchen and asked if I was going to sort out his SIM deal, I said I would and later in the day did.
My mother tried talking to be throughout the day whenever I came down for food but I had no interest in engaging her. I ate cereal, two packets of crisps and a jacket potato, I cooked it myself.I watched part of the live action “Lion King” film on my phone but then decided to go out for a showing of all three new Star Wars films at the local cinema. They’d be showing from 6pm with the new one starting just after midnight. Not a big fan of the new trilogy but it’s something new to do.
The screen I’m in is scarcely populated, I have a perfect central view with no one in front of me. The second film has just finished and I’m very tired.
Both Monday and Tuesday followed similar patterns, I woke up early and felt exhausted by around 9pm. My days consisted of overeating and playing Dragon Quest 7 while listening to media.
On the Monday, I went out to buy some hummus and wraps, I did have a craving but as usual it was more just my desire to go outside that drove me. I wish there was more out there for me, it feels like I’m NEET again.
I played with the idea of moving out again, all the places within my price range are not in convenient locations, I found one that ticks all the right boxes though (location, price) but it’s less than 100m from where I live now. I might start looking at moving into a different town altogether.
I’m also anxious about getting facial minimisation surgery again but due to still having no one to take pictures of my face, it might be best to look at a surgeon in the UK instead, all that I desperately want doing right this very moment is my nose+chin.
Friday was day off work but since I was planning to leave for London the following morning, I had to use my time carefully. After I returned home from work at 9am. I stayed up a bit and when the burger joint opened up at 11am, I grabbed a meal and soon went off to dreamland. I got a great sleep, too good even, since I woke up at 2am, instead of around 4am, I tried to catch a few extra Zs but I didn’t manage to go back to sleep. Regardless, I woke up at the appropriate time.
I proceeded to eat, shower and do my makeup. This time around I went with foundation and lip gloss again but considering how the day panned out, I would have been better with lipstick as the lipgloss faded very quickly and my lips became dry.
As for my outfit, I went for the big white jumper again as it’s both comfy and stylish, as for my bottoms, I wanted to wear a skirt but felt it was too wet and cold right now, so I put on my tights and a pair of jeans over them, figuring I could switch over to the skirt in my backpack later in the day. My shoes were an unfashionable pair of sketchers, London involves a lot of walking so it was the sensible choice. I forgot to put on my accessories, so my necklace and watch remained home.
I braved the poring rain to reach the train station, it wasn’t a long journey and I wore the appropriate coat for this weather (again, instead of the more fashionable option), the train was on time, a good thing since there was no plan B. After it reached Manchester Victoria station, I walked to Manchester Piccadilly station without incident. The rain had dampened my jeans but they were drying now as the rain had stopped. The train journey to London Euston station was fine, I watched a new Netflix sketch show on my phone called “Astronomy Club”, a couple of the sketches were decent, got the one laugh, it was just a guy doing a silly face. One thing that bothered me was that a (non-white) female had her bag on the seat next to her, it was over an hour before the person with the seat reserved next to her got her to move it. Another man was also forced to vacate his seat at this time, he asked then if it was OK to sit next to me, he looked at me without disgust and this made me happy.
I passed through the ticket barriers without using my ticket since they were left open, I quickly found my way out of the station, it wasn’t a particularly remarkable one. The British museum wasn’t far from where I was so I walked on over there. It appeared to be a large building from the outside and I liked the columns around the front. I approached the gates and saw three different lanes to progress through to, there was also a sign that said “members” followed by an arrow, I was unsure of what to do so I backed off and walked in a different direction for 10-20 minutes. I posted on my usual boards and was encouraged to try again, by this time I’d cooled off so I was up for it.
It was a lengthy walk back to the museum but when I got there, I felt it was easier to distinguish the direction I had to queue up in, the barriers may have been moved around a little, I approached a tent, there was no queue leading upto it. When I entered, I saw people conducting bag checked, I went to the closest one, a black guy with a hint of grey in his beard sucking off Chinese people with the one or two phrases of their language that he knew. I felt he was a bit rude to me when checking my bag, especially when he took a look at someone elses while supposedly doing mine and told them to go through, it wasn’t clear who he meant so he also said “not you” to me. I may put in a complaint against him.
I declined to donate any money when I was next directed to the donations window. The museum itself was quite the labyrinth, I started off by checking out the Egyptian stuff, it was amazing, absolutely massive statues with a tonne of detail, I next floundered into the Greek section, the statues here were even more details, though smaller, they also had embossed tablets that seemed to tell a story, if not for the fact that all their heads had been knocked off by Christian invaders, I would have thought them impressive. It was depressing visiting room after rooms full of headless statues.
The Assyrian section was my favourite, the statues here were the biggest, highly detailed and the best preserved. The Chinese and Korean areas were weak as they consisted mostly of plates. The Roman part was sparse but I respected what I found. I glanced at the Aboriginal artifacts but didn’t think it worth my time to look at the African stuff, due to time constraints I missed out on European history and Islamic history. The Americas section didn’t contain much but I thought what I saw was quite cool. The centre piece of the museum was the Rosetta Stone.
At 11:30am, I walked towards the tub station that my friend had said he’d be arriving at, I’d underestimated the distance which is why I left the museum sooner than I had planned to, It took just over an over to get to where he said he’d be. There were multiple exit points, I sat at the not-main one for a bit first before relocating to the area just in front of the ticket barriers. Before I got there though, a guy hunched over and whispered into my ear something about looking for beautiful ladies to spend a day being pampered with a friend. I ignored him and moved on but I’ll admit, I was flattered. I spent perhaps another 10 minutes waiting before I was approached by a mature looking man with a moustache, I was taken aback as he didn’t have one before. He looked good and I let him know it, he had a slim build and is around 6’2, a little taller if anything. I previously referred to him as “Irish Paki” but on this occasion, the 75% Irish blood in him didn’t do him a disservice.
We walked to exit the station, I wanted to walk passed the guy from earlier but he wasn’t watching. My friend knew the way to the Natural History Museum so he took the lead, it wasn’t far from the station, when we got in, I made the decision to leave the dinosaurs for last as they were the ones I was most eagerly anticipating. He bought a map of the museum for £1 and we checked out insects area first, turns out we both dislike creatures such millipedes and those similar to them though he had learned to tolerate worms due to them being good use in fertiliser. We also saw some models of extinct animals and others that still exist to this day, there were a few cool ones but also “the common ostrich”. The area with fossils was quite a highlight, a lot of deep sea creatures, they looked quite monstrous.
The upper floor consisted of more information than objects to admire but it was the section I enjoyed the most, info on natural phenomena and the creation of the Earth. There was this one room where we could experience what it was like to be in a convenience store during a Japanese Earthquake. The other highlight was the area on human evolution, it was full of actual skeletons of various species, we had a lot to discuss her such as how whites have more Neanderthal blood than other races and a book he read, he had read a lot of books and watched many films, he has used his time as a NEET pretty productively though will be starting work soon. I’m really happy for him and wish him the best, also grateful for the book recommendation, “Sapiens”.
We eventually moved back down to the lower area to examine the dinosaurs and it was massively disappointing, there was a lengthy and slow moving queue during which there was nothing to gawk at, just facts and info-graphics to consume. The skeletons were held above, I assume it’s so no one can touch them but it makes it harder to admire them, there were only a few and there was no information on which dinosaurs they were. I got to see a Triceratops up close which was nice though and one or two others but they weren’t superstars. Before exiting, we took a gander at a blue whale, it wasn’t as big as I’d expected.
I texted “Shutin” and it turned out he had arrived at the meeting spot early so we moved to meet him at around 3.15pm, I used the London underground for the first time, I was able to just pay by tapping my credit card on the ticket gate, it was cool. We found the meeting point quickly enough and I spotted “Shutin” though his hair had changed, it was a decent look, reminded me of a peacock or parakeet, my hair and face likely changed through the course of the day too since it was coming up to 12 hours since I’d brushed my hair and applied my makeup, I’d also been heavily exposed to the elements in that time.
He had two bottles of beer with him, one empty and one almost there, he greeted us enthusiastically and informed us that the gang from last year likely wouldn’t be joining us this year. It was the third meetup that Andrew had flaked on this year. It was fine though, the last thing we needed was DM noncing around town and after my two friends highfived each other after learning they both voted labour, I doubt Shippy would’ve been too comfortable. We chatted for a bit about plans, I wanted somewhere to sit down and eat/drink, Shutin felt this was unrealistic, I was a bit annoyed by this since he chose the time/place but didn’t have a plan.
After a short amount of time had passed, we turned to see a round Pakistani man, trudging his way through a crowd, his breathing was quite heavy, he huffed and let out an autistic “Hello” before swallowing an imaginary object his mouth. Shutin was quite excited and surprised to see him but that was quickly turned to frustration when the chubby Pakistani man known as “Yazim” started harping on about taking pictures and trying to push his catchphrase, he kept saying things like “I’m here to take pictures” and “It must be done”, I explained to the guys that he was autistic but to Yazim I warned that these two guys were 6’2 and they wouldn’t hesitate to beat the living shit out of him if he tried taking a picture of them, his breathing became shallower and he meekly placed his phone back in his pocket and started staring at his shoes.
We then made our way to “Five Guys” for some reason, it was nearby, I suppose and there were a few seats so we could sit down and chat, I also bought a meal, it was expensive but quite delicious, the best burger and chips I’ve ever had, even with the unlimited refills, I’m not sure it was worth £18. Yazim got the same meal. We started talking about life in general and whenever a difficult question was asked Yazim would deflect with “I’m a happy boy”, he must have used that phrase over 10 times, it was difficult to speak to him about anything other than technology, he was asked about relationships and all he’d say is “I go home and play my vidya, I’m a happy boy”, it was also unusual that he used the term “spacker” to refer to autistic children when he himself was autistic, when asked about his autism, he once again just replied with “I’m a happy boy”. I think he thought he was being cool but to the rest of his he appeared to have no self awareness. He eventually managed to get a creepshot of me even though I said I’d let him take a picture of me later if he behaved himself, after he took it, he said “I’m a happy boy”, in response to me reminding him that he didn’t need to do that, his response was predictable.
It sounds as though Shutin’s relationship is going well, I feel he could do better but his yellow fever prevents him from looking beyond China Town. I didn’t ask about my Irish friend because I got the impression he was single. It really annoyed me how Shutin often misgendered me, he did apologise but I was still infuriated, as someone who is dating outside the socially accepted norm, I thought he’d be more respectful and thoughtful before speaking. Conversation was easy and natural throughout the three hours we remained here. We then decided to walk onto the streets of London, we went towards the River Thames and across Westminster Bridge. Yazim soon left us, before going, he let us know again that he was “a happy boy”.
We chatted about general topics, as friends do throughout the night, we walked along the river and passed the Christmas markets but as I had walked a lot more than the others, my legs were starting to hurt, I wasn’t tired, I was just in pain, it was the upper joints around the pelvic area and I had to sit down frequently. My Irish friend had made brownies for us all, he knows how to cook, as I said earlier, he’s used his time as a NEET well. They were delicious, very gooey around the middle. It was a generally pleasant time and we chatted as friends normally would, no drama, some slighting challenging questions and well wishes. It’s a shame we can’t do this more regularly but since the other two have friends outside of the thread, I suppose they need it less though there is talk of meeting again during the summer.
It was getting late and I was worried about not being able to catch my coach, along with this I was finding it increasingly difficult to move, so we parted way at around 10:30pm, I got a hug from Shutin. Me and Irish then hung out in the train station for a bit, I was cold and tried to find somewhere warm to sit. We also hugged, twice, before leaving each other. The coach journey home wasn’t too bad, there were a few people trying to take up two seats, I shamed one into moving, when someone else was looking for a seat, I pointed out that a particular seat wasn’t occupied, the Chinese man then just scurried off elsewhere to side besides someone, giving up the precious window seat he could’ve had. A Pakistani man was told by a bus driver to move his coat and a young white woman was rewarded for her greed by being seated next to a black gentleman who appeared to be fresh off a plane.
Early trains from Manchester were cancelled so I took the bus home, I was back at around 8am and then, 28 hours after waking up, I was finally allowed to sleep. I slept for 16 hours and woke up on Monday.
My Wednesday night shift was typical of my first night shift of each week, no manager in so I has a laugh with the sarcastic guy and big guy, for some reason, we also had pizza delivered to us. One was a margarita, other was a pepperoni.
I initially picked up 3 slices of margarita and 1 pepperoni, the sarcastic guy commentedv that he was surprised, thinking I’d try to look cool by going for more pepperoni. I assume he meant that I wanted to show that I “wasn’t like the other pakis”.
The conversation became difficult at one point, the big guy said I had a lot of bitches on the go, I tried changing the topic but the sarcastic guy asked if I was interested in women. I said “no”. The big guy wanted to ask a follow up question, I said I didn’t want to hear it. When it was just the two of us, I gave him permission since I was curious. He asked if I was gay, I said that I was. There were only a few references to my alleged orientation throughout the day such as asking which women stood out to me, I hope it’s forgotten. At the start of the day, the sarcastic guy joked about our manager flirting with me (he gives me a lot of attention).
The following day was interesting too, the manager called in sick, sarcastic guy was on holiday, so it was me, the big guy and the other Pakistani. I had to sit a little further away from the rest due to only being able to access Google Drive on a specific computer, it’s to do with the security key. I was seated next to the doors, they had glass where you could see the hallway beyond. A key/fob is needed to get through the doors.
At around 5pm, I saw a man appear on the other side of the door, he had his underwear on, a cardigan, he was white and blonde. It shook me. I told the others what I saw and asked what was going on? They were sceptical, I was massively concerned, so they left the office area to investigate, they didn’t find him but heard strange noises. A short while later I saw him again, I avoided looking at him as he scared me, I started stamping one of my feet on the ground and screamed for them to call security.
The big guy did and eventually the guy game and found the man hiding in a corner. He was a drunk guy, harmless, it seems. Still a frightening experience.
The email queue is piling up and I’m sure I’m screwing up more than a few interactions. I had a laugh with a couple of members of my training group when they came into the office towards the end of my shift. It’s always nice to see them.
I wasn’t able to get much sleep in the hotel room though I enjoyed being able to turn the heating way up. I put some TV one and caught “Trumbo” before I turned in for the night and then woke up to “Cheers” when I realised I couldn’t lay any longer. Both were highly enjoyable.
On my way out of the hotel, I briefly spoke to one of my co-workers, she has died red hair, she’s Spanish. She had work that day and was going to be late, I didn’t have much to say so suggested she call in sick. The walk through the city to the train station was OK, got to see some old looking buildings. I hopped on the train and got home without issue, I was pretty tired, I watched a bit of YouTube but went to sleep at around 3pm, I had to catch up on the sleep I missed out on the last 2 days.
On Monday, I woke up around 6am, obviously, I slept for over 12 hours. I played some Dragon Quest 7 on my 3DS, watched “The Irishman”, a fine piece of cinema. I went to a new burger place called “Players”, using my AMEX “Shop Small” cashback, I was able to buy two burger meals for essentially £7. The inside of the building is very nice, modern, fancy and the staff are also much more polite than other places. It’s just a shame about those prices.
I’m still very down about the work Christmas party, I don’t really know what to do going forward, if I want friends, they’re going to have to be Pakistani but I’m not sure where to exclusively find Pakistani people (don’t say “the mosque” in the comments, that’s not true). I find myself frequently thinking back to that night and cursing loudly.
My mother is concerned about me, when we meet in the kitchen, she asked why I spent all my time in my room, I remind her that I’m not welcome downstairs in the living room. She denies this, it’s the same conversation over and over again. I went to sleep at 9pm, I was exhausted.
On Tuesday morning, I got up at 8am, I was awake some time before this though. I quickly exceeded my calorie intake for the day and went to ASDA to buy doughnuts, Coke Zero and energy drinks. I also took a detour to play some Pokemon GO.
My father and I had one of our usual conversations, I got angry, I self-harmed, then he got angry and did the same. It ended with him making jokes and expecting me to do something for him.
Human Garbage 