Less than 2 months to go

Had an argument with my sister and mother about my tablet, they seem to think I’d so something stupid and get arrested again. It has now been thrown in the trash (as far as I know, I didn’t see it happen). I just feel angry all the time and have nothing to do again now. Should probably finish reading The Dunwich Horror.

My solicitor is being a pain, he won’t talk to me until he gets my legal aid papers from the procurator fiscal and that guy has it in for me so he’s deliberately dragging it out.

The dysphoria isn’t all I can think about now since I was arrested, now it’s suicide 90% of the time, that’s what I dream about, that’s what I fantasise about, death. Facial hair loss, still progressing fairly well, problem with my skin in the areas when that hair was particularly coarse. It can probably be solved, most things can, might even just take nothing more than time but it doesn’t stop me from becoming stressed. Next laser session is 2 weeks away.

I have put on a bit of weight, ate a lot of chocolates and various other treats, I couldn’t help myself, I haven’t put on much (yet) but it takes a while to show on the scales.

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138.5lbs

I’m somewhat comfortably below 10 stone now but I binge on carbs massively at the end of the day pushing me over 50g, I suspect unless I can get the self control required for keto, I’ll just rebound. I ate chocolate cake and custard yesterday.

Mum and dad still trying to involve themselves with my court case, I told them (or my mother at least since my dad understands I dont want to speak to him) that I didn’t ask for their help and I never have done, I’ve lived my life up to this point without them.

Got a tablet, rank 10 on Hearthstone, the new meta is better, I suppose.

Dysphoria is being a bitch again.

What do I have, if not hate?

Recently I’ve been expressing negative views regarding my grandmother and uncle, I felt they played a large part in my upbringing and so I blamed them for what I am now. I however ignored the good times and their love so perhaps my hate is misguided.

My uncle was my male role model, a NEET with various bad traits such as collecting things and having large vidya and video collections. He corrupted me. I dislike him as a person though because he was so snarky, he genuinely hurt my feelings and favoured my cousins family over mine. I’m supposed to love him though because he did things my father should have, he took me to the cinema, trips to the city and some other time consuming things. The cynic in me would say that he was using me to do things he wanted to do anyway since he had no friends.

Grandma looked after me often until I was 3 years old while my mum worked, even when we moved out, I would visit my gran often. She clearly still loves me a lot. My issue with her is that she doesn’t know English, never worked and is partly responsible for my mother being married to a man who raped her.

Gran is concerned about me being arrested and offered some money to help me out. I called my uncle to say I didn’t need any money or anyone (in a moderately polite way), he offered some worthless and generic advice, I blew him off. My sister told me off and I felt guilty.

Need to figure out who my enemies are and express myself properly.

Still not heard from my solicitor or the psych.

On a keto diet, eating cheese, eggs and chicken.

Laser is going well in certain areas.

I’m not a size 8 and never will be, it’s a height/ribcage issue, size 12/14? or maybe I need specialist clothes for taller women?

On another note, here’s a pic of Aberdeen Xmas markets (a Berlin solidarity thing, obviously)

aberdeen-christmas-markets

 

Worthless update by a worthless person

Still struggling to get through the day, started and stopped taking Sertaline, one of the symptoms of depression is that it makes it harder to get out of bed, I don’t want this, I don’t want the day to drag on any longer. Still certain that I’ll eventually kill myself, after the drama of the trial(s), the date will become much clearer, I can’t imagine I’ll hold out until the end of the year.

Got 18 DNP caps left, that’s 9 days worth and I’m going to make the most of them, my current cycle will run until Xmas by which time I hope to be comfortably between 135-140lbs, by this I mean that my weight never fluctuates above 140lbs like it does now.

My legal aid papers have not come through and my solicitor won’t talk to me until they do, they need to be approved by the procurator fiscal (as I understand it) and he seems to have it in for me. Psych said I should hear something back from them in 2 weeks, only been 1 so far so I shouldn’t get upset.

Distressingly, my illusion of hips may just be skinnyfat though it does feel as if there is bone there and the layer of fat is normal. Facial hair loss is moving along at a fair rate, I wish it was faster but I can’t complain too much, it is happening.

Started playing Shin Megami Tensei IV: Apocalypse.

Might update later

Finally under 140lbs or 10 stones (only just and that’s the lowest weight the scales showed today but it’s still probably a legit number since I’m carrying water weight due to the DNP and ate a lot last night). I should be happy but I’m not losing as much tummy fat as I’d like, the distressing thing is that I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and my body was extremely thin, even from the side, my belly isn’t significant, it’s not even noticeable when I’m standing up but it’s there and this causes me distress. I am considering that I just need to train my abdominal muscles because they’re not strong enough to keep my intestines etc. in place. Working out and dropping one more stone/15lbs is my goal now in addition to continuing the abdominal exercises.

Really feeling the DNP lately and I’m managing to control my calorie intake a respectable amount on most days, must be my best cycle yet. One reason it might now be so easy to resist takeaways is because I know I don’t want red meat or a (chicken) burger so I have no idea what exactly I actually want or where to get it.

Back on Universal Credit though I’m going to get sanctioned for a while due to effectively quitting my last job. Sucks, they really did pay £7.40/hour with no deductions by the agency.

Mum offered to trim my hair, I let her, I regret it, now I’m mad at her, I look ridiculous, I repeatedly told her to leave my fucking fringe alone. Also feels like she’s taken more off the sides than the back, looks like something resembling a mullet.

Solicitor isn’t responding to my emails, just the same as the last lot, as soon as Legal Aid comes through they blank you.

This was 100% my personal fuckup and I can’t pin it on Social Anxiety

My first day of work went relatively well, I arrived half an hour early so had to knock about for a bit around the smoking area, when I was brought in, it was by the same guy who did my induction, he didn’t smile, talk or make jokes today, that was offputting. I then proceeded to wait inside in the warehouse area until the main boss guy did his announcements regarding how the day would go down (who was doing what duties and some other tibets that meant nothing to me), it was shocking again, I was expecting another short induction, not to just be thrown into the fire. I asked for clarity on what I was supposed to be doing, instead of being given the dreaded assignment of lifting 15kg boxes all day in a temperature of -18c, I was instead given perhaps the easiest job available, that job was “stripping lorries”, I was taken to the “chilled” area, not the freezer and another guy was told to instruct me. The job involved removing cages from the lorries and that’s it really, the cages even at their worst weren’t that heavy

The guy in question was on my induction and had only started on Thursday, he had a wealth of warehouse experience despite only being around 20 years old. I don’t want to get too into him now as if he ends up reading this, it’s going to sound weird. He had a cool look, I’ll say that and he was friendly, there always seems to be a guy like this everywhere I work, happy to help, always smiling, making jokes or talking, just generally a pleasant person who is going above and beyond to make you feel at ease, they really don’t need to be doing this, that’s what makes them so nice. Other examples would be the McDonalds twink, the chubby amusement park girl and the Royal Mail paki.

I fucked up quite a lot, it made me feel stupid and aware that I was making a poor first impression. A co-worker commented on my lack of common sense. The nice guy was nice about it, constantly dishing out tips and advice, making a friendly joke on his observations on occasion too. A couple of co-workers were a bit mean but I had limited interactions with everyone other than the nice guy who I was directly working with.

I walked to the bus stop with the nice guy and together and we talked a bit or rather he talked since I can’t really speak much due to anxiety, turns out he was expelled from college but for far cooler reasons than myself, he smoked weed while abroad, not sure if the story is true but cool, despite not saying much I was able to stitch myself up a bit by mentioning 4chan, he didn’t know anything about it beyond “memes” so that wasn’t a disaster. Waited for the bus, I avoided sitting next to him because social-anxiety/poor social skills. I don’t want to undersell how much I appreciated his friendliness and just how friendly he was but I also don’t want to come across like I’m crushing on the guy so I’m going to end my observations on him here.

Mostly a good day, I moved around a lot so my feet didn’t hurt but my joints and a few other parts of my body that I shouldn’t have used did (e.g. I used my thighs to push heavy crates into place). Need to ask for an ID card to get through the gate and to arrange my 2 weekly days off. Poor show by my employer for not having done this on my first day.

The next day I decided to get the bus that arrived half an hour later since I arrived early the previous day and that’s something that I just hate. Unfortunately however the bus I was supposed to board went out of service or some other circumstance removed it from circulation meaning that I would need to wait half an hour for the next bus, making me half an hour late for work. I tried to call to inform my employer but using the number I found off the internet, I wasn’t able to get anywhere. I just went home, the thought of having to explain my tardiness in person agitated my anxiety, I was also worried that they would have adjusted to my absence and didn’t want me to arrive late. Subconsciously, I didn’t want to go to work at all, I believe, I was hurting severely from the previous day and didn’t get a good nights sleep.

Took some DNP, I was feeling fat. Today I’m just feeling ugly

Today I called up my agency and told them of my situation and asked if I should come into work today. They didn’t know, guess they had poor communication with the site too, I didn’t want to do this, same issues as earlier, anxiety and now DNP fatigue. Not 100% sure why I don’t want to though, maybe I’m just lazy or I’m looking for an excuse for some other reason. I hope my actions don’t affect anyones thoughts and opinions in the future. I hope the nice guy is still nice and the warehouse will still hire people with no prior experience.

Gonna get my bennies sanctioned over this.

Took DNP again today, my cycle is officially on. Maybe I quit because I was feeling fat and couldn’t take DNP while working due to fatigue?

Taking Sertaline, I was prescribed some over a year ago, didn’t take it but saved it, I’m taking it now after hearing how it can alleviate certain depression symptoms I didn’t know were depression symptoms such as difficulty waking up and overeating.