Less than 2 months to go

Had an argument with my sister and mother about my tablet, they seem to think I’d so something stupid and get arrested again. It has now been thrown in the trash (as far as I know, I didn’t see it happen). I just feel angry all the time and have nothing to do again now. Should probably finish reading The Dunwich Horror.

My solicitor is being a pain, he won’t talk to me until he gets my legal aid papers from the procurator fiscal and that guy has it in for me so he’s deliberately dragging it out.

The dysphoria isn’t all I can think about now since I was arrested, now it’s suicide 90% of the time, that’s what I dream about, that’s what I fantasise about, death. Facial hair loss, still progressing fairly well, problem with my skin in the areas when that hair was particularly coarse. It can probably be solved, most things can, might even just take nothing more than time but it doesn’t stop me from becoming stressed. Next laser session is 2 weeks away.

I have put on a bit of weight, ate a lot of chocolates and various other treats, I couldn’t help myself, I haven’t put on much (yet) but it takes a while to show on the scales.

138.5lbs

I’m somewhat comfortably below 10 stone now but I binge on carbs massively at the end of the day pushing me over 50g, I suspect unless I can get the self control required for keto, I’ll just rebound. I ate chocolate cake and custard yesterday.

Mum and dad still trying to involve themselves with my court case, I told them (or my mother at least since my dad understands I dont want to speak to him) that I didn’t ask for their help and I never have done, I’ve lived my life up to this point without them.

Got a tablet, rank 10 on Hearthstone, the new meta is better, I suppose.

Dysphoria is being a bitch again.

What do I have, if not hate?

Recently I’ve been expressing negative views regarding my grandmother and uncle, I felt they played a large part in my upbringing and so I blamed them for what I am now. I however ignored the good times and their love so perhaps my hate is misguided.

My uncle was my male role model, a NEET with various bad traits such as collecting things and having large vidya and video collections. He corrupted me. I dislike him as a person though because he was so snarky, he genuinely hurt my feelings and favoured my cousins family over mine. I’m supposed to love him though because he did things my father should have, he took me to the cinema, trips to the city and some other time consuming things. The cynic in me would say that he was using me to do things he wanted to do anyway since he had no friends.

Grandma looked after me often until I was 3 years old while my mum worked, even when we moved out, I would visit my gran often. She clearly still loves me a lot. My issue with her is that she doesn’t know English, never worked and is partly responsible for my mother being married to a man who raped her.

Gran is concerned about me being arrested and offered some money to help me out. I called my uncle to say I didn’t need any money or anyone (in a moderately polite way), he offered some worthless and generic advice, I blew him off. My sister told me off and I felt guilty.

Need to figure out who my enemies are and express myself properly.

Still not heard from my solicitor or the psych.

On a keto diet, eating cheese, eggs and chicken.

Laser is going well in certain areas.

I’m not a size 8 and never will be, it’s a height/ribcage issue, size 12/14? or maybe I need specialist clothes for taller women?

On another note, here’s a pic of Aberdeen Xmas markets (a Berlin solidarity thing, obviously)

 

Bail papers

Finally posting though pointless considering the low quality of the camera.

I’ve been getting triggered a lot recently but it’s the same old stuff.

I regret how I handled the psych assessment.

Worthless update by a worthless person

Still struggling to get through the day, started and stopped taking Sertaline, one of the symptoms of depression is that it makes it harder to get out of bed, I don’t want this, I don’t want the day to drag on any longer. Still certain that I’ll eventually kill myself, after the drama of the trial(s), the date will become much clearer, I can’t imagine I’ll hold out until the end of the year.

Got 18 DNP caps left, that’s 9 days worth and I’m going to make the most of them, my current cycle will run until Xmas by which time I hope to be comfortably between 135-140lbs, by this I mean that my weight never fluctuates above 140lbs like it does now.

My legal aid papers have not come through and my solicitor won’t talk to me until they do, they need to be approved by the procurator fiscal (as I understand it) and he seems to have it in for me. Psych said I should hear something back from them in 2 weeks, only been 1 so far so I shouldn’t get upset.

Distressingly, my illusion of hips may just be skinnyfat though it does feel as if there is bone there and the layer of fat is normal. Facial hair loss is moving along at a fair rate, I wish it was faster but I can’t complain too much, it is happening.

Started playing Shin Megami Tensei IV: Apocalypse.

Might update later

Finally under 140lbs or 10 stones (only just and that’s the lowest weight the scales showed today but it’s still probably a legit number since I’m carrying water weight due to the DNP and ate a lot last night). I should be happy but I’m not losing as much tummy fat as I’d like, the distressing thing is that I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and my body was extremely thin, even from the side, my belly isn’t significant, it’s not even noticeable when I’m standing up but it’s there and this causes me distress. I am considering that I just need to train my abdominal muscles because they’re not strong enough to keep my intestines etc. in place. Working out and dropping one more stone/15lbs is my goal now in addition to continuing the abdominal exercises.

Really feeling the DNP lately and I’m managing to control my calorie intake a respectable amount on most days, must be my best cycle yet. One reason it might now be so easy to resist takeaways is because I know I don’t want red meat or a (chicken) burger so I have no idea what exactly I actually want or where to get it.

Back on Universal Credit though I’m going to get sanctioned for a while due to effectively quitting my last job. Sucks, they really did pay £7.40/hour with no deductions by the agency.

Mum offered to trim my hair, I let her, I regret it, now I’m mad at her, I look ridiculous, I repeatedly told her to leave my fucking fringe alone. Also feels like she’s taken more off the sides than the back, looks like something resembling a mullet.

Solicitor isn’t responding to my emails, just the same as the last lot, as soon as Legal Aid comes through they blank you.

This was 100% my personal fuckup and I can’t pin it on Social Anxiety

My first day of work went relatively well, I arrived half an hour early so had to knock about for a bit around the smoking area, when I was brought in, it was by the same guy who did my induction, he didn’t smile, talk or make jokes today, that was offputting. I then proceeded to wait inside in the warehouse area until the main boss guy did his announcements regarding how the day would go down (who was doing what duties and some other tibets that meant nothing to me), it was shocking again, I was expecting another short induction, not to just be thrown into the fire. I asked for clarity on what I was supposed to be doing, instead of being given the dreaded assignment of lifting 15kg boxes all day in a temperature of -18c, I was instead given perhaps the easiest job available, that job was “stripping lorries”, I was taken to the “chilled” area, not the freezer and another guy was told to instruct me. The job involved removing cages from the lorries and that’s it really, the cages even at their worst weren’t that heavy

The guy in question was on my induction and had only started on Thursday, he had a wealth of warehouse experience despite only being around 20 years old. I don’t want to get too into him now as if he ends up reading this, it’s going to sound weird. He had a cool look, I’ll say that and he was friendly, there always seems to be a guy like this everywhere I work, happy to help, always smiling, making jokes or talking, just generally a pleasant person who is going above and beyond to make you feel at ease, they really don’t need to be doing this, that’s what makes them so nice. Other examples would be the McDonalds twink, the chubby amusement park girl and the Royal Mail paki.

I fucked up quite a lot, it made me feel stupid and aware that I was making a poor first impression. A co-worker commented on my lack of common sense. The nice guy was nice about it, constantly dishing out tips and advice, making a friendly joke on his observations on occasion too. A couple of co-workers were a bit mean but I had limited interactions with everyone other than the nice guy who I was directly working with.

I walked to the bus stop with the nice guy and together and we talked a bit or rather he talked since I can’t really speak much due to anxiety, turns out he was expelled from college but for far cooler reasons than myself, he smoked weed while abroad, not sure if the story is true but cool, despite not saying much I was able to stitch myself up a bit by mentioning 4chan, he didn’t know anything about it beyond “memes” so that wasn’t a disaster. Waited for the bus, I avoided sitting next to him because social-anxiety/poor social skills. I don’t want to undersell how much I appreciated his friendliness and just how friendly he was but I also don’t want to come across like I’m crushing on the guy so I’m going to end my observations on him here.

Mostly a good day, I moved around a lot so my feet didn’t hurt but my joints and a few other parts of my body that I shouldn’t have used did (e.g. I used my thighs to push heavy crates into place). Need to ask for an ID card to get through the gate and to arrange my 2 weekly days off. Poor show by my employer for not having done this on my first day.

The next day I decided to get the bus that arrived half an hour later since I arrived early the previous day and that’s something that I just hate. Unfortunately however the bus I was supposed to board went out of service or some other circumstance removed it from circulation meaning that I would need to wait half an hour for the next bus, making me half an hour late for work. I tried to call to inform my employer but using the number I found off the internet, I wasn’t able to get anywhere. I just went home, the thought of having to explain my tardiness in person agitated my anxiety, I was also worried that they would have adjusted to my absence and didn’t want me to arrive late. Subconsciously, I didn’t want to go to work at all, I believe, I was hurting severely from the previous day and didn’t get a good nights sleep.

Took some DNP, I was feeling fat. Today I’m just feeling ugly

Today I called up my agency and told them of my situation and asked if I should come into work today. They didn’t know, guess they had poor communication with the site too, I didn’t want to do this, same issues as earlier, anxiety and now DNP fatigue. Not 100% sure why I don’t want to though, maybe I’m just lazy or I’m looking for an excuse for some other reason. I hope my actions don’t affect anyones thoughts and opinions in the future. I hope the nice guy is still nice and the warehouse will still hire people with no prior experience.

Gonna get my bennies sanctioned over this.

Took DNP again today, my cycle is officially on. Maybe I quit because I was feeling fat and couldn’t take DNP while working due to fatigue?

Taking Sertaline, I was prescribed some over a year ago, didn’t take it but saved it, I’m taking it now after hearing how it can alleviate certain depression symptoms I didn’t know were depression symptoms such as difficulty waking up and overeating.

Brief update, nothing exciting

Starting my new job tomorrow, warehouse thing, got through an agency, it pays well £7.40/hour and when/if I get hired by the company themselves in a month or so the pay rises to £9.00/hour. The problem here is that I won’t be able to hold this job for more than a week, I lied about having warehouse experience, on the induction I was completely lost and worst of all I could barely lift the boxes I’m supposed to spend all day picking up and moving.

One nice feature though is that the job takes place partly in a freezer, literally -18C. I have to wear some special protective gear, hands get numb real quick without gloves. Hoping to get fired quickly once they realise I’m physically incapable of performing this job, I’m worried though that they will show pity on me.

Weighed 141.5lbs today.

Laser in a few hours.

Psych but not really

Had my psych assessment today. The woman who conducted the assessment was Irish, she was nice, we spoke for almost 2 hours, this was surprising since my letter said we would only have 45-60 minutes. At first I didn’t have any difficulty speaking to her because her icebreaker regarding me being a student went off on a tangent about me having been expelled and arrested repeatedly. The woman wasn’t a doctor, not sure what her official title is, she was nice though and didn’t intimidate me.

I think I told her everything, except the Polish girls, not sure if they’re relevant, it’s more about my perceptions of people and my reactions. She wanted a general life story and from what I told her, she thought I had been depressed for a long time, I think she’s right, I haven’t had any friends since high school and even then I relied on people befriending me. My inability to communicate was a big deal, something that linked to most things I said, she was about to see that it was not something I was born with but something that I had learned, my father couldn’t speak English and my mother was negative, so I couldn’t ask for help or talk to anyone. Missed the boat on adding a few notes though such as muttering “stupid” to myself, that’s supposedly related to depression.

A term she repeated often was “standing too close to the ground”, I can’t see anyone but myself. My opinions and analysis always centres around myself, I don’t consider those around me. For example, if I get bullied, I don’t think for a second about why the bully does what he does, just what was wrong with me. Told her about the DNP and weight loss. Suicidal thoughts and wanting to harm myself or others, had to push that what I had were just fantasies, I would never really hurt someone else and as for suicide, it’s not in my upcoming plans but it’s what I want.

Issues of gender were really difficult for me to speak about, I looked away from her completely and couldn’t respond and swiftly, it was difficult to vocalise my emotions. It was a basic question too, she asked how long I had felt this way and I couldn’t pinpoint it, I said that I started crossdressing when I was 13/14 but then she asked about childhood and I can’t remember that far back in sufficient detail, I said something bland and worthless “being female felt right and male disgusting”, it’s semi-accurate, when I was young I didn’t have much idea of gender, boys and girls dressed the same in my paki primary school, I saw women who I perceived as cool on TV etc and I just assumed that that could have been me when I was older, puberty hit and I got smarter and realised that wasn’t how it was and became distressed but felt there was nothing I could do. I suppose females did seem special, my favourite Power Ranger was the pink one and the same goes for the other similar shows I watched back then (VR Troopers, Beetle Borgs), I liked the female the best, I just can’t explain why. She was supportive throughout, I told her though that I don’t think transitioning is viable and current genital reassignment surgery is poor, her response was positive, there are frequently advances in this area, anything is possible.

A couple of small things I told her and expanded on, I hate pakis, told her why I hate them too, gave a top 5 list instead of top 20, told her I don’t find men or women sexually attractive in that I never see a man or woman and think “I’d like to fuck him/her”, she thinks that could be depression/reduced libido and lastly I did say that I was agnostic again. Might be more but that’s all I recall.

I’ve been referred to a clinical psychologist, the treatment will be over a long period, not just 6 sessions (the minimum), there will be a timelimit though, there always is. Still no GIC but that’s my fault for not asking, I did however correct the woman when she suggested that communication was my main issue not the gender stuff.

Got the library banned from 4chan so I will be serving my 30 day ban.

Gonna kill myself soon, honest

I am feeling particularly down today, nothing too different about today compared to the days that have gone by so it must just be that it has been building for a while now and today is just the day I’ve become aware the weight on my shoulders is too much. It’s not even the arrest, that stuff normally excites me, the trial should be a dream but at this point I don’t really care anymore, even after this trial the police intend to arrest me again, I don’t want to keep repeating this story, it’s not a good one for me. Every time, I get arrested, have a fun little interview, meet some new people, have a laugh in the courts holding cells and then live in limbo with a limb cut off until things officially conclude, there is no “winning” for me, as soon as the wheels start spinning, I’m down and the only success I manage is getting back on my feet, those who knocked me down, never at any point do they suffer the pain of a single blow.

Why I am down right now is significantly due to not having a laptop or tablet, no Hearthstone to distract me, no constant stream of 4chan posts to surround me, I’m alone and always aware of this, there’s nothing I can do to numb this or distract myself, being aware of myself and my surroundings now has also made me more conscious of things such as my terrible hair, that never seems to grow and on closer inspection is too thin, it doesn’t help that I have no idea how to properly care for it, I read so much contradictory information.

Beyond my hair there’s also my face, my fucking facial hair, there’s just so much of it and even when it does successfully get zapped, it leaves its mark. I wish I had acknowledged being trans when I was younger, it really is too late for me, maybe if I hadn’t wasted time at that other laser clinic, who knows but as it is, I’m in a dire state and I don’t believe it will get better, even if it will, I know I can’t hold on long enough to see it through. I don’t even know if there was a chance for me at the beginning, maybe I was always screwed being born with these genetics and of this race.

I hate looking in the mirror yet I spend so much time doing it.

Suppose I have weight issues too, my sister calls it body dysmorphia but it’s not wrong to want a flat tummy. DNP is working but I overeat so I just break even, still sitting just above 140lbs.

Got on Universal Credit, got a job today but I don’t care, there was a time when I would have been happy working a min wage job, just have a bit of cash, have a purpose, maybe make some friends but I don’t want that anymore, I don’t know what I want in life beyond clearing my facial hair, not even that alone will make me happy.

Induction for the job is tomorrow.

Psych on the 8th but I don’t feel like talking about my gender stuff since it feels ridiculous now that I even thought it was a possibility for me, I’m not going to talk about suicide since she’ll just try talking me out of it and that’s not what I want, I am unhappy but I don’t know exactly why or how she can help so there isn’t much point in attending. Still gonna hit the tranny pills because why the fuck not? If nothing else, I at least know that they do make me feel better, I like reduced, thinner body hair and softer skin.

Laser on the 9th, I just feel angry but working on me is probably an impossible task. I’ll see what she has to say regarding the minor progress.