Coming out soon

I was back on the phones at work, I was easily agitated and I’ll be getting another complaint. The guy who I felt bullied me was pretty cool today, he was mean in a funny way and generally nice and helpful. I think I’m coming across as gay because I’m always nervous and fidgety when speaking to people because I’m thinking of the words to say as they’re coming out of my mouth. Nothing else of note other than some more observations about THAT individual, need to stop because I sound like a stalker.

Sounds like my sister has told my mother I’m trans. My mum called me a “brother” and my sister asked if she meant “sister”. I was right with my prediction, mum is just going to bury this because she lacks the ability to discuss this. Might tell my other sisters but I won’t until I’ve bought some clothes. Too tired after my shifts to do it right now.

Ran out of mobile data on my phone while reading the DailyMail.

Last night my sister again chastised me, said I wasn’t a real man when I wouldn’t assemble her new wardrobe for her or take it up the stairs. Today she paid someone to do it for her.

It’s happening again

I ended up getting to work an hour early since I arrived at the train station expecting to take the bus again but to my surprise, the trains have begun running again. I tried killing a few minutes by window shopping but I couldn’t be bothered. At work I picked out a PC and then went back into the break room to play Hearthstone until my shift started.

When I returned to the work area, I was pleasantly surprised to find the transgender person sitting at the computer next to me and then I became less pleasantly surprised to learn my computer wasn’t working, so I had to move, after half an hour of trying and failing to find a working computer, I was approached and told that I’ll be on emails again. The woman speaking to me commented that I looked scared. I moved back to my original PC since I wouldn’t be needing to use the phone.

I thought I was special having been chosen to work emails but it turns out several people were taught emails before me, newer people, so insulting. Hurts that my manager lied to me.

During lunch is overheard some normie conversations, talking about GPs and politics. I felt I could have contributed but couldn’t find my voice. Maybe I should start taking beta blockers again, the antidepressants are just stopping me from caring. The conversation I overheard involved the trans person, LittleKuriboh and that guy I don’t like. Trans person sat near me during break, only one other person around, I couldn’t start a conversation.

Quirky guy spoke to me, I was accidentally rude. He asked when my shift ended, I said I was obviously on until 8pm as I wouldn’t be on break/lunch at 4pm otherwise.

Imagining conversations I could have again and the responses that could come.

Ate chicken at home and at work I had a yoghurt and banana.

My sister threatened to tell my mother about my gender dysphoria again. She’s genuinely angry at me due to my stance on religion 

Figured out what matters

Yesterday my mother and sister asked why I wasn’t fasting, Ramadan had begun and as far as they knew, I had kept all the fasts every year of my adult life. They were already aware I wasn’t Muslim anymore but they pushed me into making cliché fedora tipping statements and insulting their prophet. I’m not wrong about what I said and it was enlightening hearing them making excuses, sad too, them desperately clinging to something they barely understand.

My sister said she was disgusted living with me and wanted me out. My mother claimed it was due to mental health issues. My father had the most civilized take, he wasn’t part of the main conversation, my sister tried to get him to berate me but he defended me consuming non halal chicken, he said chicken was chicken and it being halal was minor.

Today at work I was on emails all day, it was chill but I wasn’t 100% comfortable with what I was doing, I want to be back taking calls, I understand that and I’m good at it.

Overheard some more conversations and they upset me, hate hearing how social everyone is.

Finally figured out womens sizes, shirt sizes consider height more than weight, so I’ll need a large or XL, 14/16.

Ate cereal, 2 chocolate biscuits and a burger meal.

Slept for 11 hours last night but I still woke up tires.

7pm bedtime, not even a wagie thing

I woke up at 8am and played Digimon for 5 hours. Almost finished the game though if I want to get the platinum trophy I’m going to have to play for months (since I can only play on weekends). Watched an episode of “Orange is the New Black” afterwards. Ate cereal, rice, a cream éclair and 3 chocolate biscuits.

The day after that was just a void, there was nothing more I felt the need to do. I watched some comic book reviews and at around 7pm am now preparing to sleep. It’s becoming easier to restrict my calorie intake, normally I would have treated myself to a burger meal from a takeaway.

I did kill a few minutes trying on some womens t-shirts I bought a while ago, they fit better now but they expose my somewhat broad shoulders, I’m upset even though I was aware there were certain clothes I should avoid due to my shoulders.

Verbally abused myself as I had flashbacks of social screwups from work this past week.

Still not spent my £25 Amazon voucher.

yay, I made it

I couldn’t post yesterday due to my insane mother hiding my tablet. Work was fine, my manager is still being a bit too nice to me, allowing me more responsibility, asking how I am and overlooking my screwups. We had our monthly one to one meeting yesterday and she decided to pass my probation, I’m now a fully fledged employee. I don’t feel anything regarding this, I don’t want to be here forever but a small pay rise will be nice. As for my managers attitude, it’s nice to be partially understood but I don’t want to be seen or treated as a freak.

My manager asked if I wanted any more training, I declined, she look at me with pity and loathing.

I also spent an hour on my own working on responding to email, it seems easy if I just pick out the softer queries and the old ones that are already resolved because the sender got sick of waiting and called in.

My brother came around today, we didn’t speak. It’s just too apparent he hates me, so I can’t be bothered making an effort.

Played Digimon for several hours.

The glasses I ordered online look terrible on me, the frame is too thick and it accentuates my negative features.

Going up in the world

I woke up at 5.20am today so that I’d be able to get into work without any risk of being late again. I however planned a little too well, I arrived into work at 7.40am, I just watched Everybody Loves Raymond in the break room while playing Hearthstone and waiting for my lunch to start. Overhearing other peoples conversations, I felt likei could have contributed, it didn’t feel as scary as usual. They were talking about the Manchester attacks, far left wing views.

I bought some large chocolate chip cookies to keep my blood sugar up, I had one before my shift and another during my first break. For dinner I had a fried chicken sandwich, the interaction with the cashier was awkward so I won’t return, she asked if I wanted a receipt, I said yes, she asked what I said, then I thought she wasn’t speaking to me so I ignored her, then she asked a third time and I agreed to take the receipt. There was also an old classic, going up to the counter when it was someone elses order that was ready.

Bought Zinc and Iron, only £10 for 100 tablets of each, 15g. With a little Vitamin C, I’ll be all set.

My manager told me I will now be trained to respond to email queries, due to my great stats, it’s kinda a promotion since there’s less oversight and it’s cushier. Though I’ll probably only be doing this for an hour here and there. I trained with a guy I spoke to a few times before, he’s nice and I found it easy to speak to him. Though I feel as if my manager is giving me this new responsibility out of pity.

Missed a chance to communicate with a colleague, he told me something and I replied that I already knew.

The bus home was faster than yesterday, got home before 7pm.

My mother and sister were disgusted and angered when I told them I ate a non-halal chicken sandwich, it was the equivalent of burning a Q’uran, I couldn’t imagine a stronger reaction on the grounds of violating their religion.

My sister again remarked how physically weak I am, she is undeniably stronger than me now.

Lost several Hearthstone games.

I fainted :(

To get to work today, I had to take a rail replacement bus service, it took almost 2 hours to arrive, I’ll have to depart before 7am if I want to even attempt to arrive on time tomorrow. Today however, I was late, arrived 40 minutes into my shift, I didn’t say anything, just sat down, stamped in and got on with it.

About another 40 minutes into my shift I was asked if I’d be OK with someone listening in to my calls, one of the new trainees, he’s from a village 5 miles away from my town, he asked where I was from, I told him, he said “nice”, I told him it wasn’t. But since we were from the same borough he called us “Brothers in Arms”, he’s a decent person, initially he also commented on my Godzilla t-shirt, he said he was a fan, I didn’t think responding was the right thing to do at the time, I was his sensei and I tried to impart some knowledge onto him. Our time together only lasted around 30 minutes before his break, my quality assessment and then my break.

I didn’t pack a lunch due to having no yoghurts. So I left the building during my lunch period as usual, planning on maybe buying a sandwich until I realised I left my wallet back at my desk. I wasn’t overly hungry anyway and welcomed the opportunity to dodge some calories. I went back to work and then onto another break around an hour later.

During break I played Hearthstone again. Still stuck at rank 2, playing Quest Rogue now. Made some awkward eye contact with the transgender person, I just have a habit of turning my head whenever someone enters my peripheral vision, I should stop doing it. I overheard her conversation again, such an interesting person, all her housemates are transgender too and one of them is apparently insane and attacked a GP.

When posting on 4chan about the above observation, I began to feel faint, I was dizzy, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t keep my head up straight, I kinda wanted to go to sleep but also throw up. I tried to walk it off by leaving the break room and heading back into the work area, not long after beginning my walk, I collapsed, it was along the desk where my manager sits. I don’t remember it, but after hitting the ground, I think I near immediately regained consciousness, though I was still dizzy and couldn’t see clearly, there was a green, blurry tint obscuring my vision. The new guy from about a month ago who I helped a little was the one to lift me up, he and my manager took me to a small room a few metres away. I sat down and tried to gather my bearings, my manager showed sympathy and asked some questions, such as if I was on any medication, I denied it at first but the next time I admitted the only new addition were antidepressants. I was asked if I wanted an ambulance, I declined, she got my 2 glasses of water, I eventually felt better, my head stopped spinning, my vision cleared, it was sudden, I just felt better. I think it was 5-10 minutes.

Another woman entered the room later and asked how I was, she seemed to understand my fainting, we agreed it was probably just because I hadn’t eaten anything during lunch. They both offered me food, repeatedly but I declined this also, I honestly just wasn’t hungry. I took 5 minutes to wash my face as I had sweated heavier than I ever had in recent memory. My manager also noted I became pale and my lips turned white.

A few people during the final hour of work asked if I was alright, I gave a lot of thumbs up. I felt stupid this one time though when I said I was fine when I thought someone was asking me how I was, he was just on the phone. Mumbled to myself a lot after that, even after leaving work.

Took a 90 minute bus back home. Felt a little car sick.

Told my family I fainted. They think I need to eat more.

Going to buy Iron tomorrow.

Wondering if Magnesium+Sertaline was a trick.