Literally looking down on me

At work I was on the phones for two hours before being asked to go on emails. I was moved onto a different sets if queries, it was refreshing but still I hate seeing all these screwups of mine pile up. I didn’t speak a word to anyone until lunch when I had to speak to planning about being unable to stampo out. The other time I spoke was when the guy sitting next to me complained about working an extra hour today, I thought he was just as autistic as me but I was wrong, he talks to plenty of people and at the end of the day he was speaking to someone on his phone.

In the bathrooms, I span around when realising the stalls and one urinal were in use, this forced me to use the one next to the hand dryer. The guy using the other urinal commented on my spin. He later commented on my “Kaiju” T-shirt but I only responded by asking if he was on customer service now, he said “no” and then cut in front of me in line, I could only admire his complete lack of facial hair.

On the way home, waiting for the train, I tried killing some time by reading a newspaper, when I looked up I saw two of my work colleagues standing near me, one was the DnD guy, they’re both significantly over 6ft tall and it made me feel out of place standing near them. We spoke a little about work but I couldn’t formulate natural and engaging sentences, the things I said probably only gave people a negative view of me. We moved to board the train, I trailed behind the group. I heard one of them ask the other if they should get a table seat, I didn’t know for sure if I was supposed to sit with them, if I did I knew it would be difficult so I took the escape route and sat a few rows behind them.

I’m eating too much. Hit rank 5 on Hearthstone, as usual.

My brother has a job now.

Drain

Counselling was uneventful, I brought up some difficult stuff about race, I said I found white people intimidating. My counsellor despite using the word “pakis” several times himself eventually said he was uncomfortable with my use of it. He has zero interest in my gender issues and I have zero interest in talking about my communication skills and perceptions.

He said he spoke to a clinical psychologist colleague about me, they both agree I’d be a good candidate for cognitive analytic therapy depending on how I respond to counselling.

Only 1 trophy away from Platinum on Digimon World: Next Order. Playing the the game was how I spent most of my day.

I weigh 144lbs now. I blame the antidepressants. Forgot to take one today, I’ll do two tomorrow.

I told mum I hate pakis because she was raped by one. In front of my sisters she claimed she was lying, I don’t believe her and now she’s messed them up like she did me.

Still need to buy Cypro. Could do with a second pair of shoes too.

You’re the best

At work I was doing emails and I fucked up. I approached the late 20s-early 30s woman who we’re supposed to take queries too and she easily resolved it, I’m glad it was solved so quickly and she smiled when I told her I messed up and didn’t know what to do. I thought I was completely screwed for an hour or so.

I feel a sense of isolation not being on the phones, I enjoyed the frequent short structured conversations. The only thing I have now to remind me I’m not alone is listening to the normies around me engaging in normal workplace chatter. It doesn’t even help that the guy sitting next to me is an autist on my level.

Need to cut out lunch. Need to epilate tomorrow and buy make up. Maybe another run at buying clothes that fit and glasses that don’t suck.

Had a dispute with my sister, it was just the two of us, she turned the light in the living room on and left the door open, I asked her to close it, even said please, she just ignored me. In retaliation I turned the light off and shut the door. She got up and reverses my changed. We went back and forth for a while, I felt anger and almost assaulted her. She eventually gave up despite saying some very hurtful stuff about how I don’t care how my actions have affected those around me. I felt down and went to bed.

Shorter and shorter

It was raining when I went to work today. I got to work emails, it’s not relaxing but better than taking calls. Spoke to 3 colleagues. The first was a new quiet loner type, sitting to my right, I remarked he didn’t need to find a headset as there were two right in front of him, he pointed out one was broken and that was it.

The next exchange was ease dropping on the call the person on my left was having, I then gave her some advice when she went on hold. The final one was when someone else working on emails asked me to take on certain queries due to my training.

Still stuffing myself with Eid food.

Going to sleep at around 8pm today, I’m exhausted.

A world without pakis

Today was Eid, I was working so I got to experience walking the streets and using public transport without any pakis around. It was a pleasant experience, funny how the strain on services is removed when you take pakis out of the equation.

Work was fine, lot of calls but they’re easy ones. I’m off emails, a new character has taken on my unfinished business. I didn’t win anything in the raffle. During the draw the quirky guy spoke to me, I didn’t know how to respond to the things he said, I stared at his hair and ear piercing. We found some common ground when he brought up winning a Final Fantasy item once, though it turned out his power level was far higher than mine, he’s even played every game from XI to XV including the MMOs, he also remembers specifics about the older games I haven’t played in years, I just remember story details, he remembers gameplay. His favourite is FF12, I hate it, we both liked FF9 though. I felt close to fainting when heading back to my desk. I also felt pathetic because I surely looked like a fraud and a casual, he probably hates me now.

I got back home at around 6pm to celebrate Eid with my family, went to my grandmothers, she was happy to see me again. The cousins came over too, we talked and laughed for a couple of hours, it was a good time.

I hate this but I’m not unhappy

Spent another 8 hours or so playing Digimon. Getting closer to nabbing that final trophy now, maybe I’ll be done next weekend. I dreaded becoming one of those freaks who live for vidya but now that it’s happened, I don’t feel so bad. Need to wake up.

Washed my hair. Helped my sister move her bed, I’m getting on better with all of them now, I expect this to last a week or so until they present me with an unreasonable demand.

Watched Amazing Spider-man 2, on TV, with two of my sisters. It was nice, they talk to me during it unlike other programming because I know comics well. Watched a little bit of Glastonbury too.

I ate like a pig, more packets of crisps than I care to remember, chocolate, cereal and chicken. Must be over 4000 calories.

Raffle at work is tomorrow, hope I don’t win anything.

I’m not entirely sure how but my spending seems to have been a touch excessive this month. Unfortunate as I still need to buy Cypro.

It clearly looks like I have hips when I wear slim fit jeans.

This is taking forever

Played Digimon for 10 hours. Getting closer to that platinum trophy but it’s still a distance away.

Some cousins came to visit, it was nice to talk to “new” people that I’m comfortable around. Mum forced me too visit my grandmother, it was painless, it was kinda nice I suppose, I could see she was happy.

Need to buy more Cypro. Need to epilate too.

Never gonna happen

Work was better today, mostly emails, went on the phones for an hour before being told to get back on emails. Got another 5 raffle raffle tickets, the draw is being held on Monday. I messed up stamping in/out one time too many and was told to ask the head of the call centre to sign my exemption form.

I didn’t speak to anyone socially. I sat next to the trans person during late break, just the two of us watching Hollyoaks, if I couldn’t speak to them then, I’ll never be able to.

Ate cereal, a tuna baguette and 4 triple chocolate cookies.

Told my mum that I miss the person she was.

Didn’t see that one coming

I had counselling today.

He made observations similar to people who commented here, he said that I may be transitioning because I hate my father and want to be less like him. He pointed out how I consider myself inferior to everyone but also superior because I wish demise to others, he didn’t call me a narcissist through.

About half an hour into the session, I said counselling wasn’t working, my problems are minor, I just need to get on with it and I wanted to stop. He countered by saying that he thought I had real serious problems and he wanted to consultant with a psychiatrist or something, I’m a candidate for long term psych (or something like that). I think he just said that to manipulate me.

After this we also went back to speaking about gender, again I think to appease me since he was more interested in my communication skills.

During the last 5 minutes, we spoke about religion being stupid, spineless paki women and my mother. How life would have been different if mum left dad. This was when I started crying heavily, I thought back to when I was 3 years old, it was just me and her, she worked, she was happy, we spent all day together, she was my only friend.

I cried uncontrollably like a baby, I can’t remember the last time I cried like that. I then asked to end the session.

Cured

Today was great. No fuck ups on emails, getting closer to resolving issues. But the best part of the day was that I was incredibly social at the start, I chatted a little to the DnD guy about work and to the really cool Chinese guy, he made a joke about sweating like Gary Glitter outside a MotherCare, I laughed and told him it was brilliant. Loved listening to him speak, I wonder how he can be “on” all the time?

My ex-bully is now the guy who I need to take all queries too, he’s nice sometimes but mean other times. I was to earn his respect.

Counselling tomorrow.