Literally looking down on me

At work I was on the phones for two hours before being asked to go on emails. I was moved onto a different sets if queries, it was refreshing but still I hate seeing all these screwups of mine pile up. I didn’t speak a word to anyone until lunch when I had to speak to planning about being unable to stampo out. The other time I spoke was when the guy sitting next to me complained about working an extra hour today, I thought he was just as autistic as me but I was wrong, he talks to plenty of people and at the end of the day he was speaking to someone on his phone.

In the bathrooms, I span around when realising the stalls and one urinal were in use, this forced me to use the one next to the hand dryer. The guy using the other urinal commented on my spin. He later commented on my “Kaiju” T-shirt but I only responded by asking if he was on customer service now, he said “no” and then cut in front of me in line, I could only admire his complete lack of facial hair.

On the way home, waiting for the train, I tried killing some time by reading a newspaper, when I looked up I saw two of my work colleagues standing near me, one was the DnD guy, they’re both significantly over 6ft tall and it made me feel out of place standing near them. We spoke a little about work but I couldn’t formulate natural and engaging sentences, the things I said probably only gave people a negative view of me. We moved to board the train, I trailed behind the group. I heard one of them ask the other if they should get a table seat, I didn’t know for sure if I was supposed to sit with them, if I did I knew it would be difficult so I took the escape route and sat a few rows behind them.

I’m eating too much. Hit rank 5 on Hearthstone, as usual.

My brother has a job now.


2 thoughts on “Literally looking down on me

  1. Significant that your psych wasn’t interested in talking about your gender dysphoria. He obviously sees it as symptomatic of your problems rather than a root cause

    What about you? Do you think your gender dysphoria has caused your identity crisis, or has your identity crisis led to gender dysphoria?

    I think the latter. Your hatred and alienation from your father has led you to turn your back on your ethnic and cultural heritage. You have no fixed point to hold onto. You don’t even take your biological birthright for granted anymore.


    • I’ve had communication and gender issues since I was a young child, it’s hard to say which came first and if they’re related

      I don’t think of my father much anymore to hate him and I didn’t care about him at all during my youth, I only realised he existed when he realised I existed around 16


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