Just a mess

I epilated my legs and shaved my armpits. That’s really the highlight of the day. I played GTA V for an hour, I’m not enjoying it at all. I don’t know where the rest of the time in the day went, I made a short trip to ASDA to get some shaving gel but that’s about it.

I took a look in the mirror and saw that I wasn’t in the best of shape so I’m going to have another go at dieting, I will eat nothing but cheese so even if I fail to stay under 1000 calories a day, at least I’ll be in ketosis.

The only activities for the rest of the day that I can recall are watching “Chappelle’s Show”, it actually gets good during season 2, and posting on 4chan.

Before going to sleep I made the decision to masturbate while watching pornography for the first time in 2 years. Likely due to the Bica, the orgasm was much more similar to those of old. It was femdom that I viewed and they were videos from the same popular sites as before.

“I write”

I woke up at around 2pm again. My day was similar to yesterday except for the fact I showered. My copy of GTA V has arrived, played it for a short while but I’m not getting any joy out of it. As usual, I overate and posted on 4chan. I didn’t leave the house or communicate with anyone other than my mother during a few trips to the kitchen. Later on in the day I played some Hearthstone but I won’t be making rank 5 this season.

My P45 arrived and I checked my bank account and I can see that I’ve been paid correctly, it even includes the pay for the holidays I was denied. Surprisingly, there was no rush of emotions, I felt nothing. I still fantasise about still working there but that’s more just something to make my life more interesting, not something to stave off sadness.

The positive activity of the day was also the same as yesterday, I spent an hour reading (manga). Tried checking out some Jordan Peterson videos but nothing leapt out at me as interesting though he seems reasonable when presenting his anti-trans views. I’m still listening to “Wicker Man” multiple times a day and this inspired me to finish writing my first metal song, it’s not particularly good but I did something creative that stimulated the braincells.

Late at night I got a craving for an Arizonas burger meal but was unable to find the motivation to go outside.

Missed a call from my dad.

Tomorrow is definitely the day

Today was a day without vidya and it was a more varied day than usual. My family left for a wedding in another town early in the day, leaving me along at home though this changed nothing. I started the day posting on 4chan, watched a little standup on Netflix in the background (Chris Rock, not amused). I played a small amount of Hearthstone and ended the day reading my DragonBall manga, time seemed to fly at this point.

I’m still listening to Iron Maiden, the same song, not moved onto anything new. It’s “Wicker Man”, I get pumped up during the chorus and want to sing along and physically express myself but then I remember the concert and the quirky guy and I’m filled with regret and sadness. I don’t know if these feelings will ever go away, I may need to stop listening to Iron Maiden altogether. Still not got a start date so I’m still fantasising about how my life will be when I start the job. They involve me recounting funny stories, being liked by coworkers and having a gf.

The website I bought my E from tells me the pills have been dispatched but the tracking shows they haven’t even arrived in the UK yet. I’ve been making do with a minimal amount for a while but my skin is still soft and stuff so they haven’t “worn off” yet.

I went outside, short trip to ASDA, bought junk food (doughnuts and cookies). They were unsatisfying but I played some Pokemon GO on the way and managed to add another new ‘mon to my ‘dex. I’m at 300 now.

Tomorrow I’ll shower, this should hopefully give me a new perspective on the world and I might finally be able to see the pieces of the puzzle that I need to slot into place if I’m ever going to achieve the life I’d be satisfied living.

91%

I’m now done with God of War, ending my time with the game with a 91% trophy completion rate. I’ve done all the actual content on offer, it’s just hunting collectables that I’m neglecting, I’m sure there’s something more enjoyable I can do with my time. Looking back over the last few days, I was entertained during parts of this game such as during the stories told when using the boat to travel between locations but overall I’m not sure if I enjoyed myself. It caused my frustration whenever I failed to defeat a foe in my first attempt and the gratification from succeeding was only mild, it may be that this genre of game is no longer for me and I should only play JRPGs as they’re “fairer”.

No other game to play now (unless all those PS Plus games count) so tomorrow should be a brighter day. Might do some reading or look into volunteering again, that’s been on the backburner for about a month. Nothing I can do to speed up the background checks for my new job, just gotta put it out my mind for now.

My father has gone off on holiday to Pakistan for a while. I was nice to him before leaving since he was so persistent for a handshake. I declined a hug and only now do I see how awful that was.

I’ll right the boat by September

Just been playing God of War for the last 2 days. It distracts me enough that I don’t feel a significant amount of pain. The usual emotions are instead replaced with frustration aimed at the tedium of some gameplay elements. I won’t be attempting to get the Platinum trophy, even I can see that’s a waste of time.

Sleeping pattern is still messed up, can’t wake up before noon.

I’m still avoiding interacting with my family. When we have guests, my mother tries to get me to come down, I just find it insulting that she’s expecting me to entertain visitors. She seems angry when I silently refuse and remain in my room. I feel nothing but resentment.

3 weeks of this now

I overate again. Played a bit of Pokemon GO, Hearthstone and God of War. None of them are doing a brilliant job of holding my attention. A new system I’ve set up seems to be quite healthy in theory, heading outside to play Pokemon GO after I’ve been sitting down playing God of War for too long.

Late in the day I spotted a Pokemon raid taking place near my house, it was an Alolan Raichu up for grabs but that’s not what interested me. I needed to win a raid to progress with the Celebi quest. While approaching the battle point the game showed me that there was another person also taking on this raid, the game showed them as male but when I turned the corner to reach centre of the area I needed to be in I saw a young woman standing there. I immediately turned around and left. We were still able to battle together, they used a Groudon. This is a social game and there are groups online where people can arrange meetups for raid battles but that’s a step to far for me right now.

When I got back my mother asked me where I went. I found it frustrating constantly being quizzed on my activity especially when my actions are so minor. I feel pathetic having to admit that I am going outside in 10 minute bursts to play Pokemon. I snapped at her. I hindsight she probably thought I’ve been going out to get drugs.

Caught Mew, that’s todays accomplishment.

Once the job is confirmed, I likely won’t be leaving home since my mum is clearly worried about my wellbeing.

Started watching Prison Break season 5. It’s weak, tragic since this was my favourite show at one point.

This was supposed to be the highlight of the week

I had to force myself awake before I was ready again. I didn’t shower, 10 more minutes of rest were more important to me. On my way to see my case worker I played Pokemon GO and throughout the day I managed to catch a fair few new Pokemon, even managing an “excellent curveball” meaning I’ll have a shot at catching Mew. When I arrived, the receptionist told me my case worker was currently engaged in training and that she’ll see if someone else would be available to see me.

I hung around for a while before a woman appear, younger than most of the other staff I’ve seen here, she also had a style reminiscent of the call centre which is slowly fading from memory. We only spoke for 30 seconds or so, she asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about and said that she’ll note that I attended today and gave me an appointment in a months time (a date but no time). I’ll text my case worker in a couple of weeks. Disappointed I didn’t get to speak to him, I actually have a lot that I feel I’d benefit from by sharing with him. Also wore my Iron Maiden shirt, it was meant to be a conversation starter.

Played Hearthstone, gone back to playing “Even Warlock”, it’s the only thing that works consistently for me. Watched Dave Chappelle, almost finished rewatching all his shows, just background noise, safe, familiar background noise.

My family have prolonged the season of goodwill and are still talking to me like a normal human being.

Another Eid

Today was Eid. That meant dressing up, visiting my grandmother with the rest of my family and eating meals there for most of the day. My sleeping pattern is still messed so I was unable to force myself to get out of bed until just before noon. When I did eventually rise, I chose to wear my new Iron Maiden t-shirt, a pinkish shirt over that, grey jeans and my white converse trainers.

My family (minus my father) arrived at my grandmother home in the afternoon, everyone talked as normal and there was no animosity between myself and my siblings. It was pleasant and light. My cousins and aunt arrived a little later and this continued. At around 6pm we all then travelled to my house, my grandmother was tired and did not accompany the rest of us. It was more of the same. There were no biting topics of conversation other than me quitting my job without having a start date for the new gig. I’m still worried for my sister who will be starting university next month but at least she has a support network that I didn’t have, I had no one to talk to and it wasn’t possible for me to say that I was struggling or that I was lonely.

I got a text to say my second DBS check is being processed, glad to hear there’s progress but I’m still weeks away from my employer checking the results and deciding if I’m fit to work for them.

GO-ing outside

I woke up sometime in the afternoon again. The first part of the day was spent posting on 4chan, watching WWE and playing Pokemon GO. Fake GPS doesn’t appear to be working with the game anymore so this forced me to head outside to catch Pokemon. They were only short trips but it was the best part of my day, there’s something pleasant and “refreshing” about going outside.

When arriving back home, an old white male, presumably a drug addict, called out to me by referring to me as “love”. Second time a drug addict has implied I passed from a distance. He asked if he could use my phone to make a call, he said I wouldn’t need to hand it over to him so I didn’t really have an excuse plus I was grateful to him for the compliment. I called the number he wanted, though it took a few attempts. A man answered, a paki, I believe, probably his dealer. From what I could pick up it sounded like the dealer was running late. I then left him and retired home a few metres away.

My aunt visited and I was able to use a discussion with her to guilt my mother into giving me a hug. It didn’t feel as good as I expected.

At night I played God of War, think I might turn up the difficulty. I’m enjoying it as an adventure game.

One of the posters I bought was A3 size instead of A2 as advertised, left negative feedback for the seller and destroyed their rating. The poster is still quite nice so I won’t be seeking a refund.

Listened to some Iron Maiden late at night, initially felt great remembering moments from the concert that never actually happened. I then felt down when I realised that I’ll never see the quirky guy again and how lackluster out final interaction was. The smart thing to do would be to form a band so that I have an excuse to contact him, “hey, we’re performing at X, drop by if you can to check it out”.

God of Easy Mode

I woke up after 1pm again. God of War arrived through the post, I played it for a little while but hated how different it was, the style is completely different and the attack buttons have changed, nothing similar to the original games at all. The first boss gave me more trouble than I was comfortable with so I turned the difficulty down to “easy” mode. I’m not in the mood for a challenge, I just want to have played the game and gotten some distraction (plus maybe a platinum trophy). Accidentally closed the game so stopped playing after that. It’s a good looking game but I don’t love it.

Rewatched some more Dave Chappelle.

The day was a drag with nothing to do and no immediate plans. I felt tired enough to go to sleep before 10pm but powered through. Watched more YuGiOh YouTube videos.

Played a bit of Hearthstone but I’m nowhere near the level I was before the expansion dropped.

My dad asked if I would read Eid prayers with him at the mosque or in the park on Wednesday, I laughed of the idea.

My appointment with my caseworker is on Thursday, I don’t know what exactly I’m expecting from it but I know I’m looking forward to speaking to someone a bit more “real” than my family. My sister applied for university accommodation today. I believe there may have been an issue with the distance between that campus and the university but I wouldn’t know since there was only so much I overheard from outside my bedroom door.

I guess I need to have a long hard think about the life I want before I can plot how to change anything.