Back to the grindstone

I woke up an hour early due to not realising the clocks had gone an hour backward. It was a pleasant gift to start of the day, the extra hour of bed rest was more than welcome. Alas my good fortune came to a crashing halt as there were train delays and cancelations again which resulted in me getting to work 10 minutes late.

My fortunes twisted again as when I arrived at my desk, I spotted a wonderful little joy. A name plate, I removed the velcro strips affixed it to the back and stuck the plastic rectangle onto the wall of my desk, to the left of my computer. I quite liked the look of my first name but not so much my surname.

I didn’t talk for most of the day. The break came at around 3:00pm when the woman sitting next to me asked for a small favour. I was rude, not responding with words at all or looking at her. I felt mentally exhausted from the start. There was a short interaction with my team coach too, she asked how my holiday was, I was about to make a joke but she swiftly cut me off to give me an escape by suggesting I just spent it “chilling”.

There were some Halloween treats available in the break room but I was too shy to take one.

I ate poorly, I’ll start the “anorexia diet” tomorrow, porridge for breakfast and no lunch.

At home alone and I’ve occasionally burst out with obscenities, nonsense and threats.

Goodbye, freedom

Today was productive, I called my GP surgery to arrange an appointment next week. I’m going to ask for a higher dosage of Sertraline. The other accomplishment was going into GAME in town to get the code for Marshadow for my Pokemon game, they didn’t ask to see my rewards card or anything like that.

I’m a bit obsessed with pokemon right now and worrying about buying a second console at some point to transfer everything to bank.

The “train police” sent me a letter demanding I pay up in 14 days. I’ll do it, hopefully I won’t forget.

Me and mum watched 3 episodes of Stranger Things. Almost finished now.

Worried about going back to work tomorrow, I feel like a child dreading school on a Sunday night again.

My facial hair seems to have either entirely stopped growing or is just growing more slowly.

Around midday, my youngest sisters both brought friends over, I found myself unable to leave my room and it was reminiscent of when I had roommates.

A time ill spent

Another day of freedom wasted. I managed to do even less today than on previous days despite waking up before 10:00am. I ate cereal then watched an episode of Stranger Things with my mum. We would have watched another but my sisters loudly entered the room and one of them protested.

I went to my room and watched Nostalgia Critic episodes because I couldn’t think of anything else that required less effort. Got a takeaway for lunch. My bathroom scales arrived but it shows my weight has increased so significantly that I think it might be faulty. Regardless I’ll be restricting calories much more harshly now, perhaps no lunch at all.

At night I watched X-Factor with my mum, we talked during the show.

I regret how I’ve spent this last week but if I could do it over, I wouldn’t be capable of changing things.

The highlight was unbanning the 3DS

I’ve now successfully unbanned my 3DS but I’m sure Nintendo will intervene before Pokémon Ultra Moon is released. Got my hat Pikachu though I could have just “hacked” it. Would have rather had the Kanto hat so I still might.

First thing I did today was watch another episode of Stranger Things with my mum, I don’t think it’s a great show but I’m happy to be watching something with her that I think we are both enjoying.

I spent most of the afternoon at my grandma’s house, she was happy to see me even though we can’t speak the same language and my uncle was there too, he was easy to talk to, we might not have entirely similar interests but we’re on the same wavelength due to him being my male role model growing up. We could converse about various things and attempt to carry even if it was something the other knew or cared little about. I watched the U17 World Cup final while there, the game was enjoyable as I love comebacks. The majority of the English team were black. After the game was over, my grandma asked if “the whites won”, my uncle replied that the blacks won, there were some pauses and back and forth where they both rephrased their question and answer before my uncle realised my grandma wasn’t referring to the skin of the players when she said “the whites” but rather their team colours.

The rain was modestly heavy, I enjoyed walking through it. At home I watched a little football, downloaded a few games onto my 3DS and watched X-Factor. Too tired for Match of the Day, I’ll watch the repeat in the morning. I did really want to stay up late and watch niche sports like the World Series and download one of the games on sale on PSN for Halloween but I’m too tired.

No arguments with the family.

I ordered some exfoliating scrub, Pokémon adventures manga (vol 1-7), bathroom scales, womens t-shirt and trainer socks for around £35.00. I had a £15.00 discount I had to use by the end of the month and this was all I could think of.

I’m concerned my interests haven’t evolved from when I was 10 years old. When thinking of something flimsy to buy, my mind always goes to Pokémon or a shounen anime.

The numbness of the world of work approaches

The day was wasted again, I watched an episode of “Stranger Things” with my mother but that’s all. I’m not sure where the time went or what I spent all day doing. There was an hour dedicated to passively watching a basketball game but it did not excite me on any level.

I left the house to get chicken meat for dinner and to withdraw cash from a chash point.

I did not go to the show I purchased tickets for, Circus of Horrors, as one of my sisters was uncomfortable attending a performance featuring explicit nudity.

At times, I feel a wave of sadness in my stomach, I just wait for it to end but it upsets me and makes me seek answers to an unknown questions. The antidepressants are not helping.

Still 4 days of freedom remaining

Another day doing nothing productive, I didn’t even watch any shows or play vidya. I hit rank 5 on Hearthstone and then just became lost the rest of the day.

I did try venturing outside to attempt to unban my 3DS but there are too many restrictions on library computers. The journey outside also triggered my dysphoria as the library is based very close to thew sixth form, a new ending stream of young women were in sight. Another curious sight werw interracial friend groups, from my recollection this is something that usually died down before this age, it’s curious.

At home, I asked my sister to lend me her laptop to unban my 3DS, she refused and I responded by suggesting she kill herself.

I’m finally eating well, my appetite is still non-existent. Could be my depression worsening.

The show I bought tickets for is tomorrow, might give it a miss, seems like a lot of trouble.

Something constructive

I looked into paying off my train fine and it turns out it’s a £84.90 fine. £4.90 for the ticket and £80.00 as standard. It’s not a huge deal since I’m in employment but I’m in no hurry to pay it, I’ll just wait until I start getting reminders through the post. Pre-ordered Pokémon Ultra Moon again, found the steelbook for £32. I also managed to make some head way in fixing my 3DS limitations. Found a working Localfriendcodeseed and an up to date offline Pokebank.

Now all I need is a computer so I can inject the file. My sister won’t let me use her laptop. Clock is ticking if I still want a special hat Pikachu.

My dyphoria flared up again. I feel like I’ll never get to where I want to be.

All is well again

I didn’t leave the house today or shower. Around noon my aunt visited, she’s having surgery soon and wanted to talk about stuff in general but aftet hearing our family making sly remarks about each other. she ended up giving a long speech which resulted in my, my mother and sisters all burying the hatchet with no one needing to apologise.

I finished watching Rick & Morty. I don’t think I watched anything else of note.

Later in the day, my sisters were messing around makeup, they invited me to take part. Some silly competition where I do one half of the make-up on my sisters face and another sister does the other half. I learned stuff and enjoyed myself. Felt part of the group. We’re back on for the show I bought tickets to.

I’m anxious about the results of laser again. I’m aware I need to wait 2 weeks but I feel it’s just not going to be any different this time either. Think I’ve only got one more on the course before I can switch to electro without completely wasting money.

I’ve rated poorly for 4 days in a row now. Desperately need to buy some scales to help me control myself.

I’ll be in the land of eternal slumber soon

I slept to 12 hours, going down just after 10pm and getting up at 10am. After consuming cereal for breakfast I made one of two journeys outside. I hit up the local library to buy some clothes online but I felt uncomfortable and left before sitting down for even 15 minutes because a chav and his kid decided to sit on my right and a Polish whore decided to sit to my left.

Walking home I yawned multiple times. I don’t understand why I’m so fatigued. At home I took an iron tablet. The other journey to the outside world was made to retrieve Coke Zero from ASDA.

I watched Rick & Morty for most of the day. It’s still a fun show in my opinion and I’ll never understand the hate.

The only other notable activity of the day was watching “My week as a Muslim” with the family and chiming in with my anti-Islamic opinions.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you

I didn’t leave the home today. I spent almost the entirety of of wrapped up in a blanket. Watched some WWE, nothing remotely remarkable and then later in the day I watched X-Factor and Louis Theroux, again unremarkable.

I’m feeling directionless again. A better person would hop on a cheap flight somewhere in Europe and explore for a few days. My upcoming week will likely be spent playing vidya that has nowhere near completely engrossed me but due to lack of options I’ll commit hours to it. I’m not sure if moving out is the right move but I still plan on doing it, worst case scenario, my depression gets worse and I run back home before the end of my lease.

There’s a looming feeling of dread, multiple errors will be uncovered while I’m away from work. I actually want to be back there fighting my corner.

Tonight featured another argument between me & my mum again my sisters. Same story, my sister is upset my mother refuses to speak to her. This is because my sisters refuse to speak to me and actively put me down when they break their silence. My sisters are demanding my mother start talking to them again but continue to insist that I’m a worthless cretin who my mother is babying. I don’t understand why this offends them so much.

My father tried to weigh in on the argument. I told him to kill himself in explicit detail.