Forever Lost

[EDIT: Definitely killing myself, I’ve had enough and I’ve tried enough, I went to the GP and asked for help, waited a few months and it’s turned out to be a bust, growing my hair felt good but there was no end product, there is no help, I don’t have it in me to try again. Further, I don’t believe my relationships with my family are salvageable nor that they genuinely care about me. I’m going to do my research and go out, brightly]

I phoned up my GP surgery and removed myself from their list of patients. Not 100% sure why, but I felt alone and wanted to make it more official, there’s also the fact I don’t see myself going back there, it was hard enough to visit the once and speak of my issues. I get angry every time I think about my hair and sister. She said “people” were laughing at me, it’s so in the vein of something my father would say and after she got her way she acts as if it’s over and done with, that because I lost, she got what she wanted, that we can just move on, that’s a trait she shares with both our parents. I’m the loser, a bitter loser and I never forget.

I’m still incredibly down about my hair, it’s not just hair that I’ve lost, it’s time, it’s going to take longer to get to the point where I am comfortable with myself and time is so important, it’s unrecoverable. I suppose I can only get so worked up since I still have facial hair so it’s not like I can stomach to look at myself in the mirror yet (or anytime soon) anyway. However I would like to think I’d have made significant progress with laser in 4 months time and that’s the amount of hair growth I’m estimating I’ve lost.

The worst thing about all of this is that my sister betrayed me, I thought she understood but she was just another manipulative bully. I am no longer speaking to her and I actively dislike her. It’s sad that she was able to touch me a few weeks ago when she claimed she and the rest of my family were my “support system”, more like parasites.

I feel more alone than ever, no internet, no family, no psych to talk to, it’s just me, this is how I felt it had always been and what has led to me making the decisions I have. There’s so much time in the day, I don’t know what to do with it so I started taking midday naps but it’s not enough, I can’t play pokemon for long enough either (at least not without internet access).

Arranged an appointment with my solicitor, he wants to go over the evidence, I’m reckoning he wants me to plead guilty.

Had an argument/discussion with my sisters, they wanted me to take that accountant job my dads friend was offering, they ddin’t understand why I didn’t want it and my youngest sister hit pretty hard using terms like ‘dead end job’, I eventually gave it and told them, that a shitty little minimum wage job was all I wanted, I felt it was a better fit for someone liek myself and that I was not suited to go to university, that I had made a mistake. My self-esteem is probably related but I didn’t mention it, we’d just go around in circles, back to blaming my parents (a min wage job WOULD be an improvement on what my parents managed, that’s possibly one of the reasons I felt such pride when wearing my amusement park/McDonalds uniform).

I’m currently being triggered by a guy in the library with longer hair than me.