That actual kind of “sick” feeling

I vomited last night, 9 times though they were only split into two sets. I felt scared and uncomfortable, found it difficult to breath at time, didn’t know what was happening, thought it could be the DNP screwing with me. I was glad to make it through the night and in hindsight I am glad to have vomited the meal I had last night, I don’t have the strength to force myself to be sick unfortunately and bulimia seems highly attractive to one such as I who is trying to reduce their intake but finds it difficult to resist temptation.

I was still feeling sick in the morning, cancelled my driving lesson. My father asked me for a favour, wanted me to search online for some batteries, I told him to fuck off and then he went on his usual tirade, “get a job”, “you look like an animal”, “get a haircut, I’ll pay”. Went and took a shower to get away from him, decided to shave today, it wasn’t a good shave, perhaps there was something wrong with the blades, regardless, my beard shadow is still there and still dark, this depressed me greatly, I cried today over that.

What’s the point in going on? Yes, I’m getting sessions at the cheapest place I could find but still my hope is fading and I just think at this point it would be easier to end it all, 6 months at most, I wish I could do it right now, there’s no point in continuing if I can’t shift this facial hair, I can’t be happy. I can’t just throw in the towel though, I need to make an effort so I did, browsed information about Electrolysis, it’s too expensive, browsed some other Laser places, great, I’m prepared to pay the higher prices now but I can’t take a session or patch test until enough time has passed from my last laser session and finally I felt like I could talk to someone, they could help me, so I booked an appointment with a GP. I guess I’ll tell them I think I have gender dysphoria but I’m not sure, I want a referral to GIC or to talk to a therapist. It will make me feel like I’m moving forward and they will pay for laser at the really expensive places, this might work out but for now I’m still upset, I am just disgusted with myself, I feel like there would be nothing I wouldn’t be prepared to give up if I could just get rid of this beard shadow.

Later in the day it looked like, maybe, there had been some small progress.

I’ve eaten well today since I feel sick and have no appetite for food. 600 calories I believe, cereal, I fancies something wet. Still taking DNP.

Still doing terribly at Hearthstone.

I googled the GP I have an appointment with, young, cool looking male, this is going to be tough.

Hair loss continues but I don’t know where it’s coming from, I could just be a normal amount, I suppose.

Watched WWE Smackdown, not that fussed about PPVs  when the outcomes of matches are obvious.

Had to wash bedsheets and bin since that’s where I vomited.